September was NICU awareness month, and I had a brilliant article all typed out and ready and somehow in the process of trying to upload it, it lost it. It has taken me a month to stop moping and attempt to write this again. So here goes!

The overpowering smell of disinfectant, the sound of beeping machines, the sound of shuffling feet of busy nurses and the cries of tiny humans - over our 41 day stay, we got to know the NICU of Femina Hospital VERY WELL. 


​We ended up in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) as Eli had to be delivered via emergency c-section at 33 weeks` (7 weeks early). I have previously written about my birth experience if you want to have a read.
It was honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to endure and I would hate to ever go back, but I learnt a lot and hopefully my experience be of encouragement to someone else. 

Disclaimer: I know so many families who have had far more traumatic birth and NICU experiences, and I know I could never truly relate, but hopefully something here could be helpful. 

For those who haven't experienced the NICU, please let me paint a picture: 

You've just given birth to your baby, most likely unplanned with little to no warning. You aren't even sure if your baby is going to be okay and you have to endure the couple of minutes (feels like hours) before your baby starts to cry or shows some sign of life. You then get a 5 second family picture before your baby is wrapped up, put in an incubator and whisked away to a place called the NICU (which you never even considered, because all first babies come after 40 weeks right??)
Your partner then stays with the baby and you get sent to recovery (in my case I was sent to high care for 24 hours). Only once you're strong enough to stand up without collapsing from the stab wound in your gut, you can go meet your baby properly. 
Once you get there, your heart explodes and breaks from seeing this person who was in your tummy, now attached to what seems like a million wires and machines. You are given the run down about how fragile your baby is, and how holding them too much wears them down. You have never seen something this tiny. 
You go home after 3-4 days in hospital and that drive home without your baby feels empty and heartbreaking. The next few weeks, depending on how long you stay, will be  emotionally and physically draining, driving back and forth from the hospital (our hosptial was a 30-40 minute drive away!). 
The nurses or pediatrician won't give you any indication of how it's going or when you can go home. You just have to go to the hospital every day and pray the previous night was good and that there was progress. One day you will get there and they increased feeds since you left and it's going great, the next day you will get there and they picked up an infection and stopped feeds altogether, meaning you have to start over. 
You sit on an uncomfortable stool for hours a day, while going to express breastmilk every 3 hours. This is the most unnatural, mechanical process when all you want to do is breastfeed your baby like you always dreamed you would. 
Every tiny bit of progress feels like the hugest victories - every time a new wire comes off, when they increase a feed, when your child picks a bit of weight, the first time they are allowed to wear clothes and the glorious moment they allow you to breastfeed for the first time (for me it was when Eli was 5 weeks old). Eventually you are told things are going well and your baby should be going home soon, which gave us 2 days to prepare. 
You are completely overwhelmed with excitment and fear as you finally take this little person home who looks way too small to even be out your tummy, let alone be exposed to the germs and the new inexperienced parents who has to try keep him alive without machines. 
Through it all you have grown a new appreciation for other moms who sat for hours expressing milk with you, nurses who were essentially your baby's first moms and for this little fighter who against all odds, learnt how to do things way earlier than he was meant to. (Sorry, that was a bit long-winded!)



Here are some tips I found helpful and lessons I learnt: 

• Accept your new story. I handed my natural "birth plan" to my gynae 10 minutes before she told me I had preeclampsia and I would be giving birth ASAP via c-section. I can only chuckle now, but it is deeply disappointing for things to not go how you dreamed it would. Instead of allowing it to depress you, accept your new story. This is your new birth plan and your story. Embrace it and own it. 
• Don't compare. Gosh, I made myself go crazy by Googling how long 33-weekers normally stay in the NICU. All I wanted to know was when my baby was coming home. Understand that anything earlier than their due date is a bonus as they aren't meant to be outside your tummy yet. Don't compare, allow your baby to develop at their own pace. 
• Try to see the positive sides. Listen, I know there are very few advantages but I was pretty grateful that I was able to recover without the stress of learning how to breastfeed and getting up for a baby with above-mentioned stab wound. By the time Eli came home I was physically strong. The NICU also teaches you a lot about caring for your baby. Try to make the most of this time by seeing the positive sides. 
• Pace yourself. Don't feel the pressure to be at the hospital at all times, take the time you need to rest. Towards the end, they may ask you to be there for 12 hours a day to breastfeed, so recover now before things get a whole lot crazier for you. Your mental and physical health is more important right now. 
• Accept help. This was a very humbling experience for me, and I had to allow people to do things for me. Allow people to cook, clean and help if they ask. 
• Be involved. The nurses often are stuck in their routines and won't offer for you to assist with the care of your baby unless you ask. Ask to do skin-to-skin Kangaroo Care (amazing benefits - Google it!), change nappies etc. Ask questions, make sure you know what's going on - you are still the parent! 
• Bonding will happen. I was worried that not having the movie bonding moment after birth as well as Eli having to lie in a hospital for weeks would cause abandonment issues for Eli. I don't believe this to be true now. Relationships are built over time and you will still have a lifetime of opportunities to bond and enjoy time together! 
• Talk and seek help. Even writing this now feels very therapeutic. Being the NICU is a very traumatic experience, so make sure you deal with it - write, journal, talk to friends, go see a professional. It's important to work through the emotions. 

Here are some ways you can support family or friends: 

• Celebrate with us. It's bad enough that things haven't gone as planned, and in my case, Eli was born 2 days before my baby shower! Celebrate this new life and make the parents feel special despite the difficult circumstances. Go visit them in hospital - there won't be a baby to cuddle with, but just go be a friend. 
• Go visit. To elaborate on the previous point, please come visit. Have coffee with your friend at the hospital - remember that we've probably been there for weeks, so even do it weekly if possible. Take a gift - snacks, magazines etc. Remember that the husband is likely back at work after a week, which means that the mom is probably very lonely at the hosptial.
• Don't forget. People tend to be super caring in the first week, and then when they ask 2-3 weeks later how it's going, they're surprised that you're still in the NICU. I'm not saying you should message or visit every day, but if it's a close friend, be consistent and message often. 
• Stop asking when baby is coming home. That's a freaking good question! If I knew, I'd tell you! This just reminds us of the fact that we're waiting. Rather ask how it's going today with baby and how the person is feeling. 
• Offer practical help. PLEASE don't say "let me know if I can do anything." This is meant well, but honestly means very little. (I've spoken about this before) Ask what day you can take a meal. Ask what day suits them to clean their house. If they have older kids, offer to babysit. Offer specific help.
• Please don't be offended ​when you come to visit and you're asked to wash your hands or disinfect. Better yet, do it yourself. We were lectured for weeks about how we need to disinfect and keep germs away from baby, so forgive us for being a little paranoid. If you or your kids are sick - stay away!! And PLEASE don't tell germs are good to build an immune system. I will punch you in the face. (In my head at least) 

That's it for now! Please share your story or even suggestions. I'd love to hear!
C x 

​6 years ago I was an idealistic 22 year old, who thought marriage would be the greatest never-ending sleepover in the world. I thought I would be a great wife and that my husband and I would sail off blissfully into our very successful future as husband and wife. 

It has been the greatest adventure, greatest challenge, greatest growth and greatest giant piece of humble-pie. In addition to the challenge of marriage, life has gotten really hard at times and this has put even more pressure on our marriage. 

We have so far to go and by no means feel like we've "figured it out", but there are some principles and ways of doing things that have proven to be helpful to us. I have to remind myself of these truths daily, as we live in a world where good marriages are hard to find and the track record isn't very reassuring. As we all know, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. Somehow we need to change our thinking, ways of doing things and the examples we follow if we are going to have marriages that not only work, but thrive. 

Here are some things marriage has taught me... 

• It has taught me that I'm very selfish. My default nature is to put myself first, to defend myself, to think my feelings are more important and to think my perspective is truth. Selfishness, I believe, is the root of most conflict in marriage. This is the hardest thing to do, but we need to serve the other person and put down our idea of right. If both parties do this, I think you could have a pretty awesome marriage. 
• It has taught me that there are waves and seasons of good times and hard times. I find it very sad that couples are getting divorced at the first sign of hardship thinking that this is not what they signed up for. Um, this is EXACTLY what you signed up for - a long-term relationship that requires growth, vulnerability, depth and some hard work. Deep relationships take hard work and sticking it out through challenges. You can't go into marriage thinking it's going to be smooth-sailing, and when it gets hard that something is wrong. You have to prepare yourself for life to be challenging and uncomfortable at times. Also, throw kids into the mix and you have yourself a whole new set of challenges. 
• Compatibility is not that important. Trust me, no matter how compatible you think you are on paper, you are two humans who have different upbringings, perspectives and temperaments and you WILL disagree at some point, if not VERY OFTEN. You will still ​mature a lot and the longer you are together, the better you will understand and respect each other. It just takes patience. 

These are the 3 things I think matter when choosing a spouse: 1. Do you agree on all major issues (e.g. religious, do you want children, finances) 2. Is this person your best friend? Can you enjoy each others company? 3. Are you attracted to each other? 

• It has taught me that the 100/100 principle. In a perfect world, both parties serve the other wholeheartedly and expect nothing in return. It's not a partnership where you give as much as the other is willing to give. This kind of thinking is doomed to fail. This principle actually goes for all relationships.  Unfortunately, this is very hard and like I previously mentioned - we are selfish by nature, but we can at least strive towards this. 
• It's not about your happiness. As a Christ-follower, the quote by Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for holiness, not happiness" really has carried me through when things have been tough. Whether or not you believe in God, this principle still remains true - marriage is not there for our immediate happiness, it is there to grow you into a less selfish, mature adult. Yes, marriage fulfills the need for friendship, companionship and sex, but if you put all your hope into your marriage making you happy, you will be quickly disappointed. You are married to a flawed human, and they WILL disappoint you, hurt you and you will sometimes still feel very lonely. As you grow together, these occurrences should be less. This is long-term happiness 
• Don't spend a lot of time apart. I know this is not possible for everyone, as some husbands have no choice but to work far. It can be a dangerous space to be in if you are living separate lives with seperate friendships and don't really need each other. Justin and I have not spent a night apart in 6 years and brush our teeth and go to bed together 95% of the time. Don't create a world where your spouse is easily replaceable. 
• Deal with it. My husband is much better at this than I am. I HATE conflict, but this is so important. Don't go to bed angry and make sure you deal with the issue and not just give your spouse silent treatment for days. Shout, scream, forgive and move on. 
• Sometimes you are just hangry. Yes, sometimes you just need sleep and food. This is not a good time to pick a fight. Justin and I both get super emotional  and irritable when we're tired and hungry. Recognize that you are just being over-sensitive and discuss any issues when you're in a better head space. This is especially true when you're new parents and sleep is rare. 
• Share everything. We have always shared a bank account and a budget (this is especially helpful now that I'm not working - else I'd be screwed :)) I believe that getting married means making a covenant with another person and that means sharing ALL of your lives. You want to make sure you do not leave room for secrets and dishonesty.
• Put boundaries in place. This reminds me of that movie "He's just not that into you", where Bradley Cooper can't "help himself" and has an affair with Scarlet Johansson. I could think of 20 things he could have done to stop himself from going down that road. We believe we are so strong, we can resist any urge. YOU ARE HUMAN, and if put in certain situations, chances are you will do something you regret. Don't be alone or pursue a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and if you can't tell your spouse about it, something is wrong. Put boundaries in place if you are serious about protecting your marriage. Why take the risk? 
• You're a team - however that looks. Every marriage looks different, because every person has different strengths. Don't just assume that the man will handle the finances - maybe the wife is better at not overspending? Don't assume what the roles will be, actually discuss it and find a groove that works for both of you. In our marriage, Justin handles the finances and I help by tracking day-to-day spending. I handle the home, cooking and looking after Eli. This works for us. A lot of conflict can be avoided if there aren't missed expectations. 
• Your marriage struggles are not that unique. The problem is that people don't talk openly about the struggles of marriage, when in actual fact, everyone is dealing with more or less the same issues. This is reassuring to know, because you are NOT crazy and you will get through it and you can also draw from other couple's experiences and wisdom. Ask questions and be open with at least one other couple you trust. Sometimes an outside perspective can do wonders for an unresolved issue.
• Your marriage is not just about you. Justin and I feel a weight on our marriage and the decisions we make, knowing that there are younger people watching us, desperate to see an example of marriage and life that works. Having Eli is also one of the biggest motivations to fight for our marriage. I want him to grow up with the security of two parents who love each other. We don't just represent ourselves, we represent marriage as a whole and I feel it's our responsibility to make it work and make it beautiful. 

I may have painted marriage as only a lot of hard work, but I believe it comes down to perspective. Whatever you approach negatively, will be significantly harder for you.
A growth mindset means approaching everything in life as an opportunity to grow and learn. There is no failure with a growth mindset. 
Tackle the challenge of marriage with this in mind, and you will be a much better spouse and your marriage will grow and become sweeter over time. 

"So what DO you do all day? It must be so nice being at home all day!"
I have so many responses going through my mind like, "You know that magical place you drop your kids off in the morning? Well..." or "what do you think stay-at-home moms really do all day?" 

The truth is, whether you're a working mom or a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), being a mom is hard. Each group envies the other. Isn't that what we always do though - think the grass is greener on the other side? When in reality, the grass is just a different shade of green. 

So a bit of background:  I worked full-time as an administrator at a pre-school. I LOVED my job - it was challenging, interesting, filled with interactions with people and it gave me the world of confidence as it was the first job I had that fit me like a glove. I resigned as it was a full-time position, and I really wanted to work half-day - I couldn't picture myself working such long days and still coping with the demands of motherhood, marriage and life in general. We then decided to take the plunge and make the financial sacrifice for me to become a SAHM. On paper, we needed my salary, not having much wiggle room in our budget for anything that wasn't a need. Thankfully in our case, the tax benefits for my husband starting his own business did help fill some of the holes.  
I worked a notice period of 5 weeks and had a bit of a taste of what being a working mom would have been like. (It was actually helpful to see that I probably wouldn't have coped)

I see it as a huge privilege to be able to be at home with Eli, as I know so many moms who would give anything to be with their babies all day. I love that I get to see every little bit of his development, I don't have pressure to rush or be anywhere and I have space for creativity and dreaming at home. 

I am sharing my difficulties, not to complain and be negative, but to empathize with other stay at home moms. It is not an easy choice.
I have the greatest respect for moms who work full-time, go home and still look after their kids, husbands and home. It is something I don't believe I had the capacity for, and I personally believe it is harder than what I am doing now. 

But anyway, here's why being a SAHM mom has been one my greatest challenges yet:

1. Being a SAHM mom is uncelebrated. Oh yes, I do nothing all day, expect for... RAISE A HUMAN! It seems that choosing to be at home with your kids is the cop-out. The woman who didn't feel like working. 
2. Being a SAHM seems to be "easy choice". Spoiler alert - it's not. Maybe if my husband was the king of England and I had a million nannies to help with Eli and I could spend my days shopping, napping and sipping tea. Back to reality - I clean my own house, I don't have family around, I have a husband who works long hours in a tough industry and we are on a strict budget without my salary. 
3. Being a SAHM is lonely. You feel like you are the only person living on your little island. You have the company of a super cute little person, but you miss adult interaction. Most of your friends are at work, and you can't wait for the moment your husband gets home at the end of the day!
4. Being a SAHM gives little to no immediate reward. Some days you feel like you are doing your absolute best, but your baby still throws every meal on the floor, throws tantrums and dirties everything you've just cleaned. Not only are you getting nothing done, you seem to be moving backwards. Having achievable goals in a job does wonders for confidence and feeling productive. Being at home means that your view of success is that you kept your kid alive today.
5. Being a SAHM is 24/7. There is no break from the days where your kid is crying all day cause they are teething or just in "leech-mode". There is no place you can drop your child off at when you need some "me-time" (what's that??). If you're like me, there is also no granny close-by offering to visit and give you a few hours of sleep. ​ON THAT POINT: Sleep when the baby sleeps? Really? How about - do washing, unpack dishwasher, shower, eat, breathe, wash floors ( I can go on) when baby sleeps!
6. Being a SAHM affects your confidence. You will probably feel like you're not contributing to society. Like you don't have anything meaningful to contribute to conversation unless it's about what your kid ate and/or pooped today. You will nod your head at adult conversation, whilst repeating in your head "I miss sleep, I miss sleep, I miss sleep.."
7. Being a SAHM means not caring what people think. The perception people have is that I sit around all day, having coffee with friends and enjoying my perfect, stress-free life. As mentioned before, this is so not the case. You have to make a conscious decision live by conviction and remind yourself daily of why you're doing what you're doing. 
8. Being a SAHM means putting your needs last. Yes, you should take time for yourself, blah blah blah, but this is not really possible for me. I would honestly rather accept that while my children are at home and small, I need to come to terms with the fact that the world doesn't revolve around me and my happiness. Some days I will be dirty, tired, under stimulated and lonely. But this is not about me - this is about giving everything of myself to raising kids that are confident, secure, morally grounded and most of all - loved. What greater way to deal with the selfishness in my heart?

Being a SAHM is challenging, but the greatest privilege and sadly a rare opportunity for a mother in today's world. If you are a working mom reading this - you are a hero in my eyes! Your kids will be OK and no matter how they are raised, you will be the best version of a mom they know. All kids need is love and security. Don't entertain guilt - embrace the time you DO have with your kids. 

So if you're in a place where you have to make a choice whether or not to work, here are some things to consider and questions I asked myself:
(Again, I have to stress, that the following is NOT aimed at moms who have no choice but to work)

• What is your capacity? Are you sure that you will cope with the demands of a job, a spouse/partner, kids and a home? Something that really challenged me was someone asking me what kind of mom would I be if I came home late and stressed all the time? If you can say you will cope, then great. Be honest with yourself - we tend to think we're invincible, but we're really not. Everyone has a limit. 
• Consider that life has seasons. Maybe taking a year off would be an option for you while you settle into the role of motherhood? 
• Consider chatting to your employer about a half-day option. It may not be possible, but there is no harm in asking. Maybe you could even work a day or two from home?
• Work out what you will be saving by staying at home. We did the maths, and me working was not that profitable for us after subtracting the cost of a nanny/creche, petrol etc. Did I really want to lose my mind over such a small amount? Is it worth the stress?
• Remember that kids don't actually care about stuff, they want to be loved more than anything else. (Kids will learn to care about stuff as much as you do by your example) Keeping up with the Jones' is a trap that can cause great discontentment. Make the decision based on conviction, not on what people will think. Sometimes certain decisions take great sacrifice.
• What can you do from home? Being a SAHM doesn't mean there is no way for you to contribute or have something to stimulate you. I have always been entrepreneurial and I do believe I will at some point start up a business from home again. I can bake, do freelance graphic design, blog, edit etc. There are many different career opportunities that can be done from home. Maybe the space and freedom of being at home will bring out creativity and ideas in you that you didn't think was possible!

If you do decide that being a SAHM is not for you - it's ok! Everyone is different and you don't need to feel guilty. Like I've reiterated several times, all kids really need is love and security. 
What a great responsibility but privilege motherhood is!

So two weeks ago, Eli decided that he no longer enjoys purees and eating from a spoon (I just made him 30+ gourmet freezer meals), and would prefer to feed himself. Fun! (Note the sarcasm)
This milestone has caught me by surprise and I've found myself having to rethink his meals all over again! 
Two lovely mommy friends, suggested I try making fritters, as they're easy for baby to eat, and you can put almost anything in a fritter, using ingredients in your fridge. This is true and I'd love to share some recipes with you. 

First, let me explain: A fritter is a pancake/crumpet/flapjack (whatever you'd like to call it), that has flour (or some type of starch) and egg (to bind the ingredients). Some fritters also have baking powder (as a raising agent), milk (or substitute) and then any ingredient to flavour. You can add spices, herbs and pretty much anything you like to make them tastier. Fry in a pan with some coconut oil (or olive oil) and voila! 
​
You can also easily freeze a few them in seperate freezer bags and take out as you need. So when are you planning your fritter making day? Here are 2 recipes and then a few more ideas:

250ml flour
5ml baking powder
125 ml cup milk 
1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese
150g cooked and drained spinach
Herbs and spices - I used a pinch of salt and some dried parsley

Milk all ingredients and fry in well greased pan with some coconut oil. These were SUPER yum and I ate a few myself!
(Feel free to add more milk or flour if batter is too stiff/runny.)

2 ripe bananas (I freeze ripe bananas and then squeeze out the banana once defrosted)
1/4 cup blueberries ( I cut mine in half)
60-125ml ground oats flour (or normal flour if you prefer)
Cinnamon (to taste)
2,5ml baking powder

Milk all ingredients and fry in well greased pan with some coconut oil. 
(Feel free to add more milk or flour if batter is too stiff/runny.)

The intense smell of disinfectant, the uncomfortable chairs, the sound of an alarm going off because a baby just stopped breathing for a second and the overwhelming silence paired with the sound of the daily routines of busy nurses. Over our 41 day stay, I got to know the NICU of Netcare Femina Hospital VERY well. 

I have very deep and tender memories of our stay in the NICU. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome - I didn't want to be there, but being there made grew in me a deep respect for nurses (they work VERY hard), it made me appreciate the fragility of life and it made me part of a special group of mommies who know what it is like to leave their babies with complete strangers, but know the tenacity of a little person that learns things faster than they're meant to. It is still not easy to think back over this time, but my hope is that my story would encourage others and give them strength to get through. 

(Just a bit of context: Eli was born via emergency c-section at 33 weeks due to preeclampsia. I was not prepared at all, and he was born within 16 hours after finding out I had this condition. I know there are MANY people who have experienced much more traumatic circumstances in the NICU, but  hopefully this could still be encouraging and relevant for you.)

So if you are in the NICU right now, here are some helpful tips to surviving your stay in the NICU:

• Rewrite your story. We have this picture of how we will give birth, share these precious family moments and get to breastfeed immediately. We place the greatest value on these moments of bonding. I had to accept that this was no longer MY STORY, and that my story was unique and I would grow character in different ways through the experience. I also realized although I felt out of control, I did have control over my attitude, and I could still be intentional in spending time with Eli once he was home. 
• (Try to) look on the bright side. ​​One of the (very few) advantages of having your baby in the NICU is that you have time to recover without the pressure of learning to breastfeed, getting up to change nappies etc. I also had time to get the house ready, make freezer meals and by the time Eli came home, I was (kind of) prepared. 
• Set yourself realistic expectations. I made the mistake of doing a lot of research on how long a 33-weeker would normally stay in the hospital, and it gave me hope that maybe Eli would be home quick. This only left me feeling constantly disappointed. The most helpful advice I read was that you should be patient with your baby - the reality is they are still supposed to be baking in your tummy till 40 weeks, so anything they can do before then, is just a bonus. Be patient, as hard as it is, and try to be grateful for the small victories. 
• Don't compare your baby to the other babies. Every child is different and develop at different paces -  you will this realize more and more, every day that you're a mom. Celebrate YOUR child and every little milestone they reach. You were gifted with a unique individual - celebrate that!
• Don't feel pressure to be there 24/7. ​I chatted to a few moms who felt bad they weren't there the whole day long. I physically couldn't be at the hospital for longer than 5-6 hours before feeling exhausted, sore (from uncomfortable seats) and desperately wanting to be resting at home. Don't put pressure on yourself. The reality is, there is little you can do for your baby at the moment (unless you're breastfeeding) and your baby is in very good and loving hands. Take the time to rest, because once you have to start breastfeeding they will want you there all day, and once baby is home, rest will be a distant memory!
• Don't be afraid to ask and stand up for what you want. It took 10 days before I did skin-to-skin kangaroo care, and when I finally asked, the nurse was surprised that I hadn't done it yet. I was not impressed, but learnt that I should speak up and ask questions. It is your child after all. Be confident and ask questions. 
•  Ask what you can do to help. I was surprised to hear that many moms in the NICU don't want to do much for their babies, and many nurses actually had to ASK the mom to Kangaroo Care. (It is VERY beneficial for a baby's development and there are great results showing these babies recovering faster - Google it!) Also, ask if you can help with certain routines like changing the nappy, cleaning eyes etc. Unless your baby is really fragile, the nurses will welcome your request as help.  The nurses may do some things without you, try not to take it personally. They have a busy schedule and many babies to take care of simultaneously. 
• Welcome any help you can get. If people want to bring you food, clean your house, give you a lift, come visit - just say YES! Don't try to be a hero, there is no prize for handling difficult times the best - what you're going through SUCKS and you need all the help you can get. See it as an opportunity for the other person to grow :) 
• Find other ways to fight for your baby. This was quite a tough one for me as I didn't feel like Eli's Mama for a long time. I felt so helpless and was only allowed to start breastfeeding him at 5 weeks. I started to realize that there were a few things I could start to do for him. For example, praying for him! I had a little book called The Power of the Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian and I would sit and pray over Eli. I also took the time to hand stitch a mobile for above his cot, and make other for his room. It made me feel like I was doing something for him.
  
• Deal with the trauma. Without being too melodramatic, going through a NICU experience is very traumatic, and can take a long time to deal with. Talk through it, even if you need to see a professional. These emotions don't just disappear if you don't deal with them. Find someone you trust on whom you can offload your fears, anger, disappoint and sadness. Again, don't be a hero. What you have gone through/are going through is not easy and highly draining. 

​One of the hardest parts of being NICU parents, is how isolated you feel. People don't understand, and couldn't possibly, but here are some tips & insights if you ever have some friends or family going through this: 

• Offer to help. Unfortunately there isn't much you can say, but there is a lot you can do. I was blessed with amazing friends who brought us about 3 weeks worth of meals. Offer to clean their house, drive them to the hospital (c-section), babysit the other kids (if there are) etc. Once again, don't ask "let me know if there is something I can do." People rarely take you up on that. Rather SAY, "I'd love to come clean your house, what day can I come?" It takes the ball out of their court. 
• Stop asking, "so when is he/she going home?" I HATED it when people asked me this, because it was my million dollar question. All I could think of was when Eli would be coming home, and being asked that just frustrated me more. Rather ask how it's going today. 
• Celebrate with us! ​Eli was born 2 days before our baby shower, and one of the most disappointing things to come to terms with, was that nothing went as planned and it didn't feel like we had the opportunity to celebrate his life. Make a big deal of the fact that baby was born, visit them in hospital, send a gift, flowers. Whatever it takes to make them feel excited about becoming parents. 
• Don't forget. Gosh, people would ask, "oh, is he STILL in hospital?" YES!! For the last flipping 5 weeks! People tend to be there for you in the first week, and then life goes on, while your life are completely upside down. Don't feel bad to contact them a lot. They may not respond immediately, but let them know you care and you haven't forgotten that they're going through a hard time. Go have a coffee with them in hospital! 
• Be tactful and cautious when baby comes home. I was very excited for people to meet Eli when he came out, but I was also so desperate for alone time and to settle in at home as a family. Premature babies also normally have more sensitive immune systems, and need to be protected from germs for a while after coming home. PLEASE DON'T visit if you're sick. DON'T take your snotty kids to visit. DON'T feel bad if you are asked to disinfect your hands. Better yet, disinfect without being asked. ​

Hopefully you will never need to use the information in this article, but obviously this is quite a common occurrence and it's something that needs to be spoken of more. 
Please feel free to comment with any questions or maybe if you just want to share you story! 

Charlene x

I thought I was as prepared as I could be. I had researched natural birth and c-sections extensively so that I would know what to expect, and not be caught by surprise. 
That actually makes me chuckle as I write that, because Eli's birth could not have been MORE of a surprise. I never even considered the possibility of having a premature baby.
(Side note: Life rarely goes according to plan, so do prepare, but also relax and take it as it comes - motherhood is teaching me this the hard way!)

I was 33 weeks pregnant, and on our "Baby-moon" when I woke up one night with intense pain in my back and chest, that literally took my breath away. I wrote it off to the fact that pregnancy is really tough on your body and Eli must have just moved up into my ribs. I spent the next few days taking painkillers every 4 hours (lame painkillers that only took the edge off - the joys of pregnancy), knowing that I would go see my gynae for my 33 week check-up in a few days anyway. 

After a crazy day at work (sending a picture of my "kankles" to my family) and rushing to be at my appointment on time, I finally got to the hospital. I was feeling pretty sick, swollen and exhausted. 
It was a routine check-up with a urine test, blood pressure test and ultrasound.
I even discussed my birth-plan with my gynae, desperately wanting natural birth. 
Our gyane didn't mention my blood pressure being high, but left the room to go get my urine test results. She came back saying that the protein levels in my urine are very high, measured my blood pressure again, it had gone up to 170/120, and proceeded to tell me that she suspects I have preeclampsia and that she is admitting me straight away. My weight gain had also been abnormal and the symptoms I had a few days prior all pointed to this condition. She also mentioned that the only cure for this condition is delivering the baby, and this will probably take place in the next couple of weeks. No bags packed, no baby room, still supposed to work for another month - ​it felt completely surreal and I had absolutely no idea how my life was about to change. 

Follow the link below to see what the symptoms of preeclampsia are. (I had no idea I had preeclampsia and I'm grateful I got to the doctor in time. It can be fatal for mom and baby as it happens suddenly and isn't always so obvious) 
https://www.preeclampsia.org/health-information/sign-symptoms​ 

I was admitted straight away for observation through the night, so they could try get my blood pressure under control. I was completely overwhelmed - never having been hospitalized and getting a catheter and drip within an hour. By early hours of the morning, the midwife attending to me told me to prepare myself for Eli to be born today. It was a very emotional night - feeling sick, scared, unprepared, alone and grieving the loss of what I had hoped would be my birth story. 

By 06:00 am, when the gynae came to check up on me, I was vomiting into a bed pan (classy, right? - exactly how beautiful I imagined childbirth would be) and feeling at my worst. She made the call to schedule a c-section for later that morning. It was a crazy whirlwind of filling out forms, getting a crash-course on what was about to happen, and what would happen once Eli is born. I should prepare myself for Eli being in hospital for as long as he still should have been in my tummy (7 weeks). It was a logical fact, but devastating as my dream of taking my baby home with me was no longer possible. 

​After a very quick surgery, Eli was born and hearing him cry was the most beautiful sound in the world! The moment they took him out, I felt immediate relief from the symptoms. I was able to take a quick photo with Eli and give him a kiss on the head. He was wrapped up, put in an incubator and taken up to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). 

Eli James Saker was born Thursday, 4 May 2017 at 11:15am at 33 weeks, weighing 1,8kg. 
I was taken to the high care unit for the night to recover and because my blood pressure was still very high. (High care was AMAZING - best sleep I had in months!) Till the next morning, when they took me off the drip and the pain start to set in. It was horrible and I balled my eyes out. Eventually, after a unsuccessful trip to the bathroom and nearly fainting,  I was able to get out of bed and was moved to a general ward. That afternoon, more than 24 hours after Eli was born, I finally was able to go see my baby. 

It was the craziest day for my husband too. He was torn between checking on me, and checking on Eli. (I wanted him to stay with Eli) He had to fill out all the paperwork, get together all the things on list that I was supposed to have in my hospital bag (which wasn't packed yet - because who has their baby at 33 weeks right?) and get a ton of things for Eli that was needed by the NICU. He even drove into a tree or something that day. (It's just as hard on a new dad who is in complete shock!)

LIFE HACK: I had a file with me where I kept every single important document, ID's, certificate, documents to register baby once born etc. I was able to give this file to my husband and he could complete all the admin with ease and not have to scramble for the right documents. 

He was the smallest baby I had ever seen and I was even too afraid to touch him. He had so many wires attached to him and we were told how delicate these wires are and if pulled out, it can be very dangerous for him. I was able to pick him up and hold him for 5 minutes while they changed the sheets in his crib. He was doing well - breathing mostly on his own, mild jaundice and drinking a tiny amount of my expressed breastmilk. 

I had to express milk every 3 hours in hospital. It was excruciating even just sitting up in bed, but having to get up, express milk, label it, take it to the fridge down the passage, sterilize the breast pump and repeat was honestly one of the hardest mental battles of my life. It was really good for me to see that I was stronger than I thought. These experiences build endurance, resilience, character and strength. I want Eli to know that he was worth fighting for and worth putting myself second for. 

I was discharged on the Sunday afternoon and leaving the hospital without my boy was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I was relieved to be going home though. The hospital was very far from home, and so the next few weeks would prove to be unbelievably trying as we had to travel to the hospital everyday. 

I don't want to bore all of you with the details, but the summary of our time in the NICU is that it took 41 days before Eli was sent home. The biggest delay was that he battled to keep in large amounts of milk, and every time they increased his feed too quickly, he would spit up and they would have to slow it down or start again. He also got an infection when he was 1 week old and they had to stop feeds altogether and put him on antibiotics. It took over a week before I was allowed to hold him and do Kangaroo Care (skin-to-skin cuddling). That was an amazing moment!
Having Eli in the NICU was the most frustrating and emotionally exhausting process I have ever been through. The nurses and our paeditrician made a point of remaining neutral and not giving you any idea of a timeline. Which is understandable because one day I would arrive and he had a great night, and the next day not so great. It often felt like we were never going to be able to leave. 
​
When Eli was 5 weeks old, I was allowed to breastfeed him for the first time. He latched immediately, drank 3x what he was meant to and it was one of the most magical moments of my life that I will always treasure deeply. For the first time since he was born, I felt like a mother. 
As a result of the breastfeeding going so well, I was allowed to breastfeed more often, and it took 5 days for them to send him home with us. It happened fast and it was very exciting!
Having Eli home was scary (I couldn't believe they trusted me take take this baby home - I mean, I don't know what I'm doing?) but it was also so wonderful feeling like a real family. One day I will share more about the practicalities of having a preemie at home and what those first few months were like. (Spoiler alert: It was VERY challenging!)

Today, Eli is 9.5 months, full of energy and the happiest baby I know. He has caught up all his milestones and amazes me every day. See gallery at the bottom!

​​I know there are many families who have much worse birth stories and who endured much longer stays in the NICU, but having a premature baby and staying in the NICU is HARD no matter how long you are there. It is hard because it feels unnatural. It is hard because no one who is there wanted to be there. It is hard because you feel alone, and like no one really understands what you're going through. It is hard because your dream of becoming a mother was completely different in reality. It is hard for so many more reasons. 
BUT, it is wonderful because you meet amazing people who inspire you with their strength. It is special because you see this tiny person do things they're not supposed to do yet. It is empowering because you surprise yourself with strength you didn't know you have. It is humbling, because you realize the quality of people you have in your life, who care about you more than you ever imagined. 
It is an experience that has made me appreciate being Eli's mom and made me celebrate every little milestone like he has just invented something for the very first time. I do not take Eli's health for granted and I try to be grateful, because it really could be worse. There is so much to be grateful for. 

If you are going through this journey at the moment or you're still processing the aftermath of the NICU, feel free to comment or send me a mail. I'd love to encourage you and listen to what you're going through. 
My next post will be filled with helpful tips for surviving the NICU, a premature baby and being there for others while their baby is in the NICU. 

x
Here some of my favourite photos from the last 9 months:

Parenting and actually, life in general, is something NO ONE can claim they are perfect at or have figured out how to do perfectly. Obviously there are better, wiser ways to do things, but at the end of the day, the way we do things remains subjective and there are truly a million different ways to do it. 
The sad thing is, we still hold onto our pride thinking our way is best and that everyone else is wrong. 

Becoming a mother is really a journey of accepting imperfection, celebrating small victories, learning to be less critical (of myself and others) and just enjoying the moments. It's so easy to get caught up with doing the right thing, that you miss what's right in front of you: a little person whose only desire is to be loved, accepted and fed (obviously). 
I've wasted too much time worrying that I'm feeding him too much, feeding him too little,                              not teaching him to sleep better, not stimulating him enough etc. And then off I go, on a Pinterest binge to read as many articles as possible on the topic, in the hope of finding the perfect answer to my question. I log off feeling more confused and guilty than ever, and pretty much back where I started. When will the madness stop??

So here is my mission this year, and I hope you would join me:
(I say "let's" because I need to remind myself of this daily.)

• Let's celebrate imperfection: Let's celebrate our differences and learn from each other. 
• Let's recognize that there is no perfect way to raise a child and stop it with the mom guilt. 
• Let's remember that our children do not compare the way we do it to other moms and just want to be loved, accepted and made to feel important. 
• Let's enjoy and appreciate the moments. The moments that really matter. The little connections, the  "I love you mom's", the cuddles (voluntary or involuntary), the laughs and the special family moments that no one else would understand and would get no likes on Instagram. 
• Let's stop the judgment and encourage each other through the tough parts of parenthood. We are all winging it and need to be told that it's going to be ok. 
• Let's follow our instincts. As a mom, you have a natural love, patience and instinct to take care of your child. Even if you don't always feel it, it's there. Tap into your creativity. Drown out all the unhelpful advice and opinions that don't build you up and put more wind in your sails.

​Kids have survived a million different parenting strategies.
Through my time as an au-pair and working at a preschool I realized that children only want to feel heard, want to have quality-time (not just be around each other - actually DO something together) and they want to know they are secure. 
It's actually not that complicated. You love your child, so that's enough. 

Have a wonderful week - enjoy your children. Enjoy the privilege of being a mom. Remember the days when you couldn't wait to have babies and be grateful that your dream came true.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing a great job! 

I’m writing this to hopefully bring light to a topic that is in a lot of ways, still very much taboo. As someone who has been through this, I want to speak out and possibly help some ladies to verbalize their pain and maybe even find some closure and healing. I am sharing this from my perspective as a Christian and my faith in God.

I was 9 weeks pregnant when we very excitedly went to our first scan, only to find out there was no heartbeat. I chose to miscarry naturally and so I did one week later at home. It was very painful, traumatic and heartbreaking but I can honestly say that it has been an experience that has grown me up, put empathy in my heart and made me so grateful for life and the privilege of being a mother.

So to my fellow ladies who know the pain of losing a baby:

1. You are allowed to be heartbroken. Whether you believe this or not, the “fetus” growing inside you was in fact a human being that was miraculously placed there by God and from the moment conception took place, there was a soul created that has meaning and purpose. Even if the days numbered are short. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that this life doesn’t have as much meaning as any other. It is normal to grieve the loss of this little person.
2. Allow yourself to mourn. Emotions come in waves. The first few weeks were hard for me, but there was somehow a grace that carried me through. It truly only began to hit me 2 months later, and I’m sure that I will still have my moments. The point is, IT IS OK to have days/weeks where it knocks you all over again. Get those emotions out, otherwise you are in danger of becoming bitter.
3. Mourn in your own way. If this means doing nothing, then that is also ok but for me this meant having a small get together with close friends to in a way dedicate the child to God and to say this life meant something. I also made a memory box with the scans I had and other special reminders. Lastly, I had a photo taken that we will put up in our house and will be a reminder and to say that this child was a part of our family even if it was for such a short while. Plant a tree, do a mosiac, do whatever you want to. This was your child and no one should tell you how to mourn the loss. Even give the baby a name if, this was your child and you are allowed to grieve however you need to.
4. People will disappoint you - forgive them anyway. This must be one of the hardest ones for me. People forget about what you're going through, they say insensitive things and ask questions that are unhelpful but for your own sake, choose to forgive before it's even happened. The reality is that if someone hasn’t been through it, they don’t know what to say and their attempt at trying to comfort will probably be flawed. In the end, there is nothing anyone can say that will truly comfort you anyway. For those of you are Christ followers - I have found that reading the word of God is the only thing that has comforted me and given me hope. Meditate on scriptures daily and fill your mind with truth. Emotions are not a good compass in a storm.
5. You will feel angry, jealous, sad, hopeless and a lot of other emotions. Seeing other people pregnant will make you angry and jealous, this is normal. You will be overcome with grief watching a movie where someone had a baby, this is normal. You will burst into tears and random times, this is also normal. Once again I'd like to say that you need to get these emotions out. Also, understand that your friends may not always understand these emotions and you may get hurt and hurt others in the process. Try to have grace for others and yourself.
6. There is hope. Your hope is not in that you will fall pregnant again or even that life will be easy but there is a hope far greater. Don’t give up. As hard as it is to pick yourself up, you have no choice but to believe there is hope otherwise you will suffocate with grief. Here are a few scriptures that I meditate on:

• ​Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
• Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
• 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.​

Y​ou have an important story to share. I’m sharing a bit of my story, but you a story to share. I don’t know what the statistics are but I’m pretty sure that you know a ton of women who have had a miscarriage. Don’t give up because there are women who desperately need people to reach out and walk this difficult road with them. I am so grateful to the wonderful ladies who stood by me through this and were able to encourage, advise and support me through this. Bring freedom to a world who have no hope and who are carrying such pain and don’t know what to do with it.

And to the rest of you/everyone:

“It's probably for the best because something must have been wrong with the baby”, “You’re still young and beautiful, you’ll still have children”, and “at least you were only 8 weeks along” are just some of the well-meaning but insensitive and unhelpful statements women have to endure.
Ultimately, there is not really anything anyone can say to truly comfort BUT there are a few ways to work on your tact to not make it harder

1. Just be there, you don’t have to say anything. You may feel the need to say something encouraging or helpful but sometimes all we need is a hug and someone to ask us if we’re ok. The other way to help is to ask how you can help practically, for e.g. cooking a meal. We need to talk about it, otherwise we might just go crazy with grief. Bottom line: If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything - just give a hug. Major side note: "Let me know what I can do for you" is not a very helpful statement. Rather ask "what night can I bring you a meal" or "what day can I come clean your house" instead of giving open-ended offers. Most people won't just call and say, "remember that time you said you'd like to help..well..." Be specific and practical in your help. I will write more about this topic in the future!
2. Don’t forget about us. This might be the most important one. On the tragedy scale, miscarriage might be at the bottom of the list to you but to an expectant mother who has lost her child, this is absolutely tragic and heartbreaking and can take very long to get over. Please don’t forget that we are still battling with this daily. Remember that as the months go by, our hearts ache for the pregnancy we would have enjoyed and our due date is now just a painful reminder of what is lost. Ask how we are every now and then, and remind us that even though you don’t know what to say, you care about us and remember.
3. With all due respect, mind your own business. This is a general request to everyone in all situations. Asking about someone's family planning can be a very innocent question, but can cause someone a lot of heartache. I also fall into the trap of curiosity sometimes and ask people personal questions that in reality, have nothing to do with me. You don’t who has just lost a baby, who has spent years trying to fall pregnant or has to deal with the heartbreaking fact that they can’t have children. If it comes up in conversation, then go for it, but as far as possible, please don’t let your curiosity kill the tact. (I know right, I just though of that!)
4. Don’t give us a mourning timeline. Please don’t limit how long we’re allowed to be sad. Everyone mourns differently and it is unhelpful when people put pressure on someone who is grieving. Yes, there is a point where the sadness and depression is unhealthy, but it is not up to you to decide when enough is enough. Give us the time and space to get through it at our own pace.
5. When we do fall pregnant again... DO NOT make comments like “don’t lift such heavy things, or it could happen again” or “aren’t you scared you’ll lose the baby” etc. To be honest, I am shocked that people even do this! It is hard enough as it is to not be fearful of this happening again so please, just encourage and support and keep your worries to yourself.

I feel like there is so much more to say but this is it for now! Please feel free to comment and share your story.

So you're pregnant for the first time, congratulations! It will be the most special time of your life! Pinterest is a great tool to gather information, but can often be pretty irrelevant for South Africans.
I'm a planner by nature and I love working off lists and knowing in advance what I need to do. This is obviously a list drawn up based on my experience, but your hospital, medical aid and circumstances will affect how this all works out for you.
Here is a list I wish I had to work from:
(Bare in mind that I was pregnant 2016/2017 so prices would have increased since then)

First trimester (0-13 weeks):
​

• Start drinking folic acid (Clicks brand is really cheap and great)
• ​Find a OB/GYN and the hospital you would like to give birth at
• If you’re on medical aid, you’ll have to find out what the plan covers and also how much you will have to pay in to the doctor for the delivery.
• Hear from your medical aid what your benefits are and what is covered

​Costs:

• Gynae appointments (we only had a hospital plan, so we had to pay cash for each appointment, approx. R1000). You're gynae will probably want to see you every 4 weeks, but you can ask to push it to 6 weeks if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy.
• Blood tests - I took a blood test to confirm pregnancy which cost about R150 (Side note: if you peed on the stick and it said you're pregnant, you're pregnant. Wait a bit longer till you can see the gynae if you'd like to save costs)
• Your gynae will also recommend going for Down syndrome tests at the end of the first trimester. I'm not sure what this costs as we decided to not do the test.

Second trimester (14-26 weeks):

• Start drinking prenatal vitamins with Omega (Preg-Omega is the most popular, about R280 per month)
• Let your employer know you are expecting and start researching UIF and maternity leave
• Decide if you want a midwife/doula assisted birth or if you’re going to stick with your gynae. You’ll want to start seeing the midwife for appointments. You will probably have to pay in depending on what your medical aid covers.
• More tests: I did so many blood and urine tests that I can't even remember all of them, but here some that I had to go for: bladder infection, blood test to see if I had immunity to the Rubella virus, blood test to see what myself and Justin's blood types were because of the Rh factor* and probably a few more. (cost can be anywhere between R150-R600 per test depending on what it's for)

*Here is an article describing what this is all about: https://www.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/The-Rh-Factor-How-It-Can-Affect-Your-Pregnancy
​
Freebies:

• If you're with Discovery, you will be able to get a gift box with a whole lot of cool goodies from Babies R Us. Give them a call and they will send you an email with a letter that you can take with to collect your box. I received a taglet blanket, a baby book and a lot of samples.
• Dischem gives away a baby bag with a few samples to their members too. You have to spend R600 (more or less) at any store and go for a health check-up at their clinic before you can receive your bag.

Those are the only ones I know of, please leave a comment if you know if any other great freebies!

Third trimester (27-40 weeks):

UIF:
I decided to go through an agency to save myself the headache, and it was so worth it! I emailed all the documents and never had to set foot in any building to sort out admin. I used following company: http://www.mothersjoy.co.za/
It should cost you no more than R1000 in total. You can only apply for UIF with an agency from approx 4 weeks before your due date. They will however only be able to send the documents through to the department once the baby is born and they have received a birth certificate. Don't worry though, the agency will guide you through the process.
FYI: You have to have a own bank account in your own name for UIF to pay out.
I have no idea how claim from UIF directly? Anyone have a clue? Please comment!

Booking your hospital bed:
At 26 weeks pregnant, you are now at viability which means that if baby is born, chances are he/she will survive. Yay!
You will have to pay an admin fee to book your bed of about R500 - this fee could include a free 4D scan, registration with the Department of Home Affairs and baby’s first immunization. You may also get a free baby bag with goodies (but don’t count on getting that before you leave the hospital)
You will need your medical aid card and the ID's of mother and father to book your bed. Make sure you give yourself enough time at the hospital because you will be filling in A LOT of paperwork.

Getting pre-authorization from Medical Aid:
As soon as you’ve booked your bed, you will receive a document from the hospital and your gynae with the practice numbers, ICD 10 code, procedure code etc. You can then phone your medical aid and give them all these details and receive authorization from your medical aid. You should also ask them to send you the documents to register your new baby as soon as he or she is born.
Some medical aids require you to inform them of your pregnancy by 12 weeks, so I would suggest giving them a call at 12 weeks as well. (I’m on Discovery and I phoned them for the first time at 27 weeks, and it wasn’t a problem)

PRO TIP: I kept every single document, including our ID's in a file which I kept with me all the times. I'm SO happy I did this because when I was admitted to hospital suddenly, I was able to give my husband the file with everything in it so he could sort out the admin with ease.

Pediatrician:
There should be a pediatrician present at the birth, so make sure you get a pediatrician that is covered by your medical aid if you don't want to pay extra.

After baby is born:

• ​UIF - send through your baby's birth certificate to the agency
• Paediatrician - they will want to see the baby before you go home or a week later, at 6 weeks and then at 6 months. Our pediatrician cost R850 per consultation. (First consultation is usually more expensive)
• Register baby on your medical aid within the first few days. You will send through a form and the birth certificate.

TIP: Download the "Scanner App" on your phone so you can easily sort out your admin and email it directly from your phone.

So that's about all I could think of! If you're a mommy who has been through this and can add anything, please feel free to comment!











​

This it all started with a kiss.
Just kidding, we all know how babies are made.

It actually all started 2 years ago when my husband and I had "the chat" about being ready to go off contraception and see what happens. Much to our surprise, we were pregnant 2 months later! I was 9 weeks pregnant when we found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating and I miscarried naturally 1 week later. Then 4 months after that we were pregnant again. My pregnancy was quite easy up till 30 weeks, when I started feeling pretty uncomfortable and "over it". At 33 weeks pregnant I was admitted to hospital with preeclampsia and Eli was delivered via emergency c-section the following day. He spent 41 days in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and came home a few days before his expected due date. He is now 8 months old and is a healthy, friendly, busy boy and an absolute joy to us!
Those are just the highlights for now, I will share my stories in detail soon enough.

1. It's never anything like the fantasy. I used to fantasize about being pregnant, giving birth, being a mother but literally nothing has gone according to plan for us. Try not to have major expectations because life is messy and well, sometimes just plain sucks. BUT, if you can embrace the hardship you could come out the other having learnt some valuable stuff!
2. No one can claim perfection here. No one in this world can claim to be the perfect parent, as much as they might want to. I always used to look at these so-called perfect moms who seem to have everything together and wished I were more like them. Turns out, they are just "winging it" too. You have been chosen you to be this child's mother, so you are the perfect person to raise your baby. Trust your instincts. Billions of people have had kids and survived to tell the tale, so just do what you think it best.
3. You still have a choice. Justin and I really don't always get this right, but we decided that we wouldn't decide beforehand what we can and cannot do because of the baby. We would do our best to do life with Eli and if it really wasn't working, we'd humbly accept our new life. Well, every baby is different, but we've been able to go to restaurants at night, go out to friends, had noisy people in our house at night and we've even gone to a rooftop student party with a baby in tow. I do believe you can choose how much parenthood restricts you. However, my next point:
4. It is going to be different. Some things will change and your life will have to be different. (#adultingisrealhard) You can fight it, be miserable and feel sorry for yourself, or you can embrace the change and the maturity it will grow in you. Our modern western world tells us that life is meant to make us happy, but this is impossible and makes you feel like something is wrong with your life. Happiness is a product of a mature response and acceptance of the reality of life.
5. Guard your heart and mind. Just have a look at Pinterest and you will see why this is necessary. Article 1: "Why co-sleeping is the best thing for your baby". Article 2: "Co-sleeping is the worst thing you can do for your baby". Which one is it? You could find dozens of examples of completely contradictory information available to us. I am the biggest culprit when it comes to googling EVERYTHING, but it often leaves me feeling even more confused than when I started. Being informed is good, but take everything with a pinch of salt and choose the advice you take wisely. Somehow our generation survived being raised before the existence of Google.
6. Lastly, be real and open. My biggest frustration is sometimes that everyone seems to go through the same struggles, especially when it comes to marriage and parenthood, but no one seems to want to talk openly about it. What if we could empower each other by sharing our stories? Maybe if we spoke more openly, we could get through the challenges of marriage and parenthood in one piece?

Well, I will make it my mission then to be as honest as possible.

Charlene x