​6 years ago I was an idealistic 22 year old, who thought marriage would be the greatest never-ending sleepover in the world. I thought I would be a great wife and that my husband and I would sail off blissfully into our very successful future as husband and wife. 

It has been the greatest adventure, greatest challenge, greatest growth and greatest giant piece of humble-pie. In addition to the challenge of marriage, life has gotten really hard at times and this has put even more pressure on our marriage. 

We have so far to go and by no means feel like we've "figured it out", but there are some principles and ways of doing things that have proven to be helpful to us. I have to remind myself of these truths daily, as we live in a world where good marriages are hard to find and the track record isn't very reassuring. As we all know, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. Somehow we need to change our thinking, ways of doing things and the examples we follow if we are going to have marriages that not only work, but thrive. 

Here are some things marriage has taught me... 

• It has taught me that I'm very selfish. My default nature is to put myself first, to defend myself, to think my feelings are more important and to think my perspective is truth. Selfishness, I believe, is the root of most conflict in marriage. This is the hardest thing to do, but we need to serve the other person and put down our idea of right. If both parties do this, I think you could have a pretty awesome marriage. 
• It has taught me that there are waves and seasons of good times and hard times. I find it very sad that couples are getting divorced at the first sign of hardship thinking that this is not what they signed up for. Um, this is EXACTLY what you signed up for - a long-term relationship that requires growth, vulnerability, depth and some hard work. Deep relationships take hard work and sticking it out through challenges. You can't go into marriage thinking it's going to be smooth-sailing, and when it gets hard that something is wrong. You have to prepare yourself for life to be challenging and uncomfortable at times. Also, throw kids into the mix and you have yourself a whole new set of challenges. 
• Compatibility is not that important. Trust me, no matter how compatible you think you are on paper, you are two humans who have different upbringings, perspectives and temperaments and you WILL disagree at some point, if not VERY OFTEN. You will still ​mature a lot and the longer you are together, the better you will understand and respect each other. It just takes patience. 

These are the 3 things I think matter when choosing a spouse: 1. Do you agree on all major issues (e.g. religious, do you want children, finances) 2. Is this person your best friend? Can you enjoy each others company? 3. Are you attracted to each other? 

• It has taught me that the 100/100 principle. In a perfect world, both parties serve the other wholeheartedly and expect nothing in return. It's not a partnership where you give as much as the other is willing to give. This kind of thinking is doomed to fail. This principle actually goes for all relationships.  Unfortunately, this is very hard and like I previously mentioned - we are selfish by nature, but we can at least strive towards this. 
• It's not about your happiness. As a Christ-follower, the quote by Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for holiness, not happiness" really has carried me through when things have been tough. Whether or not you believe in God, this principle still remains true - marriage is not there for our immediate happiness, it is there to grow you into a less selfish, mature adult. Yes, marriage fulfills the need for friendship, companionship and sex, but if you put all your hope into your marriage making you happy, you will be quickly disappointed. You are married to a flawed human, and they WILL disappoint you, hurt you and you will sometimes still feel very lonely. As you grow together, these occurrences should be less. This is long-term happiness 
• Don't spend a lot of time apart. I know this is not possible for everyone, as some husbands have no choice but to work far. It can be a dangerous space to be in if you are living separate lives with seperate friendships and don't really need each other. Justin and I have not spent a night apart in 6 years and brush our teeth and go to bed together 95% of the time. Don't create a world where your spouse is easily replaceable. 
• Deal with it. My husband is much better at this than I am. I HATE conflict, but this is so important. Don't go to bed angry and make sure you deal with the issue and not just give your spouse silent treatment for days. Shout, scream, forgive and move on. 
• Sometimes you are just hangry. Yes, sometimes you just need sleep and food. This is not a good time to pick a fight. Justin and I both get super emotional  and irritable when we're tired and hungry. Recognize that you are just being over-sensitive and discuss any issues when you're in a better head space. This is especially true when you're new parents and sleep is rare. 
• Share everything. We have always shared a bank account and a budget (this is especially helpful now that I'm not working - else I'd be screwed :)) I believe that getting married means making a covenant with another person and that means sharing ALL of your lives. You want to make sure you do not leave room for secrets and dishonesty.
• Put boundaries in place. This reminds me of that movie "He's just not that into you", where Bradley Cooper can't "help himself" and has an affair with Scarlet Johansson. I could think of 20 things he could have done to stop himself from going down that road. We believe we are so strong, we can resist any urge. YOU ARE HUMAN, and if put in certain situations, chances are you will do something you regret. Don't be alone or pursue a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and if you can't tell your spouse about it, something is wrong. Put boundaries in place if you are serious about protecting your marriage. Why take the risk? 
• You're a team - however that looks. Every marriage looks different, because every person has different strengths. Don't just assume that the man will handle the finances - maybe the wife is better at not overspending? Don't assume what the roles will be, actually discuss it and find a groove that works for both of you. In our marriage, Justin handles the finances and I help by tracking day-to-day spending. I handle the home, cooking and looking after Eli. This works for us. A lot of conflict can be avoided if there aren't missed expectations. 
• Your marriage struggles are not that unique. The problem is that people don't talk openly about the struggles of marriage, when in actual fact, everyone is dealing with more or less the same issues. This is reassuring to know, because you are NOT crazy and you will get through it and you can also draw from other couple's experiences and wisdom. Ask questions and be open with at least one other couple you trust. Sometimes an outside perspective can do wonders for an unresolved issue.
• Your marriage is not just about you. Justin and I feel a weight on our marriage and the decisions we make, knowing that there are younger people watching us, desperate to see an example of marriage and life that works. Having Eli is also one of the biggest motivations to fight for our marriage. I want him to grow up with the security of two parents who love each other. We don't just represent ourselves, we represent marriage as a whole and I feel it's our responsibility to make it work and make it beautiful. 

I may have painted marriage as only a lot of hard work, but I believe it comes down to perspective. Whatever you approach negatively, will be significantly harder for you.
A growth mindset means approaching everything in life as an opportunity to grow and learn. There is no failure with a growth mindset. 
Tackle the challenge of marriage with this in mind, and you will be a much better spouse and your marriage will grow and become sweeter over time. 

"So what DO you do all day? It must be so nice being at home all day!"
I have so many responses going through my mind like, "You know that magical place you drop your kids off in the morning? Well..." or "what do you think stay-at-home moms really do all day?" 

The truth is, whether you're a working mom or a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), being a mom is hard. Each group envies the other. Isn't that what we always do though - think the grass is greener on the other side? When in reality, the grass is just a different shade of green. 

So a bit of background:  I worked full-time as an administrator at a pre-school. I LOVED my job - it was challenging, interesting, filled with interactions with people and it gave me the world of confidence as it was the first job I had that fit me like a glove. I resigned as it was a full-time position, and I really wanted to work half-day - I couldn't picture myself working such long days and still coping with the demands of motherhood, marriage and life in general. We then decided to take the plunge and make the financial sacrifice for me to become a SAHM. On paper, we needed my salary, not having much wiggle room in our budget for anything that wasn't a need. Thankfully in our case, the tax benefits for my husband starting his own business did help fill some of the holes.  
I worked a notice period of 5 weeks and had a bit of a taste of what being a working mom would have been like. (It was actually helpful to see that I probably wouldn't have coped)

I see it as a huge privilege to be able to be at home with Eli, as I know so many moms who would give anything to be with their babies all day. I love that I get to see every little bit of his development, I don't have pressure to rush or be anywhere and I have space for creativity and dreaming at home. 

I am sharing my difficulties, not to complain and be negative, but to empathize with other stay at home moms. It is not an easy choice.
I have the greatest respect for moms who work full-time, go home and still look after their kids, husbands and home. It is something I don't believe I had the capacity for, and I personally believe it is harder than what I am doing now. 

But anyway, here's why being a SAHM mom has been one my greatest challenges yet:

1. Being a SAHM mom is uncelebrated. Oh yes, I do nothing all day, expect for... RAISE A HUMAN! It seems that choosing to be at home with your kids is the cop-out. The woman who didn't feel like working. 
2. Being a SAHM seems to be "easy choice". Spoiler alert - it's not. Maybe if my husband was the king of England and I had a million nannies to help with Eli and I could spend my days shopping, napping and sipping tea. Back to reality - I clean my own house, I don't have family around, I have a husband who works long hours in a tough industry and we are on a strict budget without my salary. 
3. Being a SAHM is lonely. You feel like you are the only person living on your little island. You have the company of a super cute little person, but you miss adult interaction. Most of your friends are at work, and you can't wait for the moment your husband gets home at the end of the day!
4. Being a SAHM gives little to no immediate reward. Some days you feel like you are doing your absolute best, but your baby still throws every meal on the floor, throws tantrums and dirties everything you've just cleaned. Not only are you getting nothing done, you seem to be moving backwards. Having achievable goals in a job does wonders for confidence and feeling productive. Being at home means that your view of success is that you kept your kid alive today.
5. Being a SAHM is 24/7. There is no break from the days where your kid is crying all day cause they are teething or just in "leech-mode". There is no place you can drop your child off at when you need some "me-time" (what's that??). If you're like me, there is also no granny close-by offering to visit and give you a few hours of sleep. ​ON THAT POINT: Sleep when the baby sleeps? Really? How about - do washing, unpack dishwasher, shower, eat, breathe, wash floors ( I can go on) when baby sleeps!
6. Being a SAHM affects your confidence. You will probably feel like you're not contributing to society. Like you don't have anything meaningful to contribute to conversation unless it's about what your kid ate and/or pooped today. You will nod your head at adult conversation, whilst repeating in your head "I miss sleep, I miss sleep, I miss sleep.."
7. Being a SAHM means not caring what people think. The perception people have is that I sit around all day, having coffee with friends and enjoying my perfect, stress-free life. As mentioned before, this is so not the case. You have to make a conscious decision live by conviction and remind yourself daily of why you're doing what you're doing. 
8. Being a SAHM means putting your needs last. Yes, you should take time for yourself, blah blah blah, but this is not really possible for me. I would honestly rather accept that while my children are at home and small, I need to come to terms with the fact that the world doesn't revolve around me and my happiness. Some days I will be dirty, tired, under stimulated and lonely. But this is not about me - this is about giving everything of myself to raising kids that are confident, secure, morally grounded and most of all - loved. What greater way to deal with the selfishness in my heart?

Being a SAHM is challenging, but the greatest privilege and sadly a rare opportunity for a mother in today's world. If you are a working mom reading this - you are a hero in my eyes! Your kids will be OK and no matter how they are raised, you will be the best version of a mom they know. All kids need is love and security. Don't entertain guilt - embrace the time you DO have with your kids. 

So if you're in a place where you have to make a choice whether or not to work, here are some things to consider and questions I asked myself:
(Again, I have to stress, that the following is NOT aimed at moms who have no choice but to work)

• What is your capacity? Are you sure that you will cope with the demands of a job, a spouse/partner, kids and a home? Something that really challenged me was someone asking me what kind of mom would I be if I came home late and stressed all the time? If you can say you will cope, then great. Be honest with yourself - we tend to think we're invincible, but we're really not. Everyone has a limit. 
• Consider that life has seasons. Maybe taking a year off would be an option for you while you settle into the role of motherhood? 
• Consider chatting to your employer about a half-day option. It may not be possible, but there is no harm in asking. Maybe you could even work a day or two from home?
• Work out what you will be saving by staying at home. We did the maths, and me working was not that profitable for us after subtracting the cost of a nanny/creche, petrol etc. Did I really want to lose my mind over such a small amount? Is it worth the stress?
• Remember that kids don't actually care about stuff, they want to be loved more than anything else. (Kids will learn to care about stuff as much as you do by your example) Keeping up with the Jones' is a trap that can cause great discontentment. Make the decision based on conviction, not on what people will think. Sometimes certain decisions take great sacrifice.
• What can you do from home? Being a SAHM doesn't mean there is no way for you to contribute or have something to stimulate you. I have always been entrepreneurial and I do believe I will at some point start up a business from home again. I can bake, do freelance graphic design, blog, edit etc. There are many different career opportunities that can be done from home. Maybe the space and freedom of being at home will bring out creativity and ideas in you that you didn't think was possible!

If you do decide that being a SAHM is not for you - it's ok! Everyone is different and you don't need to feel guilty. Like I've reiterated several times, all kids really need is love and security. 
What a great responsibility but privilege motherhood is!