Miscarriage. For those who know and those who don't…

I’m writing this to hopefully bring light to a topic that is in a lot of ways, still very much taboo. As someone who has been through this, I want to speak out and possibly help some ladies to verbalize their pain and maybe even find some closure and healing. I am sharing this from my perspective as a Christian and my faith in God.

I was 9 weeks pregnant when we very excitedly went to our first scan, only to find out there was no heartbeat. I chose to miscarry naturally and so I did one week later at home. It was very painful, traumatic and heartbreaking but I can honestly say that it has been an experience that has grown me up, put empathy in my heart and made me so grateful for life and the privilege of being a mother.

So to my fellow ladies who know the pain of losing a baby:

1. You are allowed to be heartbroken. Whether you believe this or not, the “fetus” growing inside you was in fact a human being that was miraculously placed there by God and from the moment conception took place, there was a soul created that has meaning and purpose. Even if the days numbered are short. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that this life doesn’t have as much meaning as any other. It is normal to grieve the loss of this little person.
2. Allow yourself to mourn. Emotions come in waves. The first few weeks were hard for me, but there was somehow a grace that carried me through. It truly only began to hit me 2 months later, and I’m sure that I will still have my moments. The point is, IT IS OK to have days/weeks where it knocks you all over again. Get those emotions out, otherwise you are in danger of becoming bitter.
3. Mourn in your own way. If this means doing nothing, then that is also ok but for me this meant having a small get together with close friends to in a way dedicate the child to God and to say this life meant something. I also made a memory box with the scans I had and other special reminders. Lastly, I had a photo taken that we will put up in our house and will be a reminder and to say that this child was a part of our family even if it was for such a short while. Plant a tree, do a mosiac, do whatever you want to. This was your child and no one should tell you how to mourn the loss. Even give the baby a name if, this was your child and you are allowed to grieve however you need to.
4. People will disappoint you - forgive them anyway. This must be one of the hardest ones for me. People forget about what you're going through, they say insensitive things and ask questions that are unhelpful but for your own sake, choose to forgive before it's even happened. The reality is that if someone hasn’t been through it, they don’t know what to say and their attempt at trying to comfort will probably be flawed. In the end, there is nothing anyone can say that will truly comfort you anyway. For those of you are Christ followers - I have found that reading the word of God is the only thing that has comforted me and given me hope. Meditate on scriptures daily and fill your mind with truth. Emotions are not a good compass in a storm.
5. You will feel angry, jealous, sad, hopeless and a lot of other emotions. Seeing other people pregnant will make you angry and jealous, this is normal. You will be overcome with grief watching a movie where someone had a baby, this is normal. You will burst into tears and random times, this is also normal. Once again I'd like to say that you need to get these emotions out. Also, understand that your friends may not always understand these emotions and you may get hurt and hurt others in the process. Try to have grace for others and yourself.
6. There is hope. Your hope is not in that you will fall pregnant again or even that life will be easy but there is a hope far greater. Don’t give up. As hard as it is to pick yourself up, you have no choice but to believe there is hope otherwise you will suffocate with grief. Here are a few scriptures that I meditate on:

• ​Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
• Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
• 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.​

Y​ou have an important story to share. I’m sharing a bit of my story, but you a story to share. I don’t know what the statistics are but I’m pretty sure that you know a ton of women who have had a miscarriage. Don’t give up because there are women who desperately need people to reach out and walk this difficult road with them. I am so grateful to the wonderful ladies who stood by me through this and were able to encourage, advise and support me through this. Bring freedom to a world who have no hope and who are carrying such pain and don’t know what to do with it.

And to the rest of you/everyone:

“It's probably for the best because something must have been wrong with the baby”, “You’re still young and beautiful, you’ll still have children”, and “at least you were only 8 weeks along” are just some of the well-meaning but insensitive and unhelpful statements women have to endure.
Ultimately, there is not really anything anyone can say to truly comfort BUT there are a few ways to work on your tact to not make it harder

1. Just be there, you don’t have to say anything. You may feel the need to say something encouraging or helpful but sometimes all we need is a hug and someone to ask us if we’re ok. The other way to help is to ask how you can help practically, for e.g. cooking a meal. We need to talk about it, otherwise we might just go crazy with grief. Bottom line: If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything - just give a hug. Major side note: "Let me know what I can do for you" is not a very helpful statement. Rather ask "what night can I bring you a meal" or "what day can I come clean your house" instead of giving open-ended offers. Most people won't just call and say, "remember that time you said you'd like to help..well..." Be specific and practical in your help. I will write more about this topic in the future!
2. Don’t forget about us. This might be the most important one. On the tragedy scale, miscarriage might be at the bottom of the list to you but to an expectant mother who has lost her child, this is absolutely tragic and heartbreaking and can take very long to get over. Please don’t forget that we are still battling with this daily. Remember that as the months go by, our hearts ache for the pregnancy we would have enjoyed and our due date is now just a painful reminder of what is lost. Ask how we are every now and then, and remind us that even though you don’t know what to say, you care about us and remember.
3. With all due respect, mind your own business. This is a general request to everyone in all situations. Asking about someone's family planning can be a very innocent question, but can cause someone a lot of heartache. I also fall into the trap of curiosity sometimes and ask people personal questions that in reality, have nothing to do with me. You don’t who has just lost a baby, who has spent years trying to fall pregnant or has to deal with the heartbreaking fact that they can’t have children. If it comes up in conversation, then go for it, but as far as possible, please don’t let your curiosity kill the tact. (I know right, I just though of that!)
4. Don’t give us a mourning timeline. Please don’t limit how long we’re allowed to be sad. Everyone mourns differently and it is unhelpful when people put pressure on someone who is grieving. Yes, there is a point where the sadness and depression is unhealthy, but it is not up to you to decide when enough is enough. Give us the time and space to get through it at our own pace.
5. When we do fall pregnant again... DO NOT make comments like “don’t lift such heavy things, or it could happen again” or “aren’t you scared you’ll lose the baby” etc. To be honest, I am shocked that people even do this! It is hard enough as it is to not be fearful of this happening again so please, just encourage and support and keep your worries to yourself.

I feel like there is so much more to say but this is it for now! Please feel free to comment and share your story.