Just a Stay-at-home Mom

"So what DO you do all day? It must be so nice being at home all day!"
I have so many responses going through my mind like, "You know that magical place you drop your kids off in the morning? Well..." or "what do you think stay-at-home moms really do all day?" 

The truth is, whether you're a working mom or a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), being a mom is hard. Each group envies the other. Isn't that what we always do though - think the grass is greener on the other side? When in reality, the grass is just a different shade of green. 

So a bit of background:  I worked full-time as an administrator at a pre-school. I LOVED my job - it was challenging, interesting, filled with interactions with people and it gave me the world of confidence as it was the first job I had that fit me like a glove. I resigned as it was a full-time position, and I really wanted to work half-day - I couldn't picture myself working such long days and still coping with the demands of motherhood, marriage and life in general. We then decided to take the plunge and make the financial sacrifice for me to become a SAHM. On paper, we needed my salary, not having much wiggle room in our budget for anything that wasn't a need. Thankfully in our case, the tax benefits for my husband starting his own business did help fill some of the holes.  
I worked a notice period of 5 weeks and had a bit of a taste of what being a working mom would have been like. (It was actually helpful to see that I probably wouldn't have coped)

I see it as a huge privilege to be able to be at home with Eli, as I know so many moms who would give anything to be with their babies all day. I love that I get to see every little bit of his development, I don't have pressure to rush or be anywhere and I have space for creativity and dreaming at home. 

I am sharing my difficulties, not to complain and be negative, but to empathize with other stay at home moms. It is not an easy choice.
I have the greatest respect for moms who work full-time, go home and still look after their kids, husbands and home. It is something I don't believe I had the capacity for, and I personally believe it is harder than what I am doing now. 

But anyway, here's why being a SAHM mom has been one my greatest challenges yet:

1. Being a SAHM mom is uncelebrated. Oh yes, I do nothing all day, expect for... RAISE A HUMAN! It seems that choosing to be at home with your kids is the cop-out. The woman who didn't feel like working. 
2. Being a SAHM seems to be "easy choice". Spoiler alert - it's not. Maybe if my husband was the king of England and I had a million nannies to help with Eli and I could spend my days shopping, napping and sipping tea. Back to reality - I clean my own house, I don't have family around, I have a husband who works long hours in a tough industry and we are on a strict budget without my salary. 
3. Being a SAHM is lonely. You feel like you are the only person living on your little island. You have the company of a super cute little person, but you miss adult interaction. Most of your friends are at work, and you can't wait for the moment your husband gets home at the end of the day!
4. Being a SAHM gives little to no immediate reward. Some days you feel like you are doing your absolute best, but your baby still throws every meal on the floor, throws tantrums and dirties everything you've just cleaned. Not only are you getting nothing done, you seem to be moving backwards. Having achievable goals in a job does wonders for confidence and feeling productive. Being at home means that your view of success is that you kept your kid alive today.
5. Being a SAHM is 24/7. There is no break from the days where your kid is crying all day cause they are teething or just in "leech-mode". There is no place you can drop your child off at when you need some "me-time" (what's that??). If you're like me, there is also no granny close-by offering to visit and give you a few hours of sleep. ​ON THAT POINT: Sleep when the baby sleeps? Really? How about - do washing, unpack dishwasher, shower, eat, breathe, wash floors ( I can go on) when baby sleeps!
6. Being a SAHM affects your confidence. You will probably feel like you're not contributing to society. Like you don't have anything meaningful to contribute to conversation unless it's about what your kid ate and/or pooped today. You will nod your head at adult conversation, whilst repeating in your head "I miss sleep, I miss sleep, I miss sleep.."
7. Being a SAHM means not caring what people think. The perception people have is that I sit around all day, having coffee with friends and enjoying my perfect, stress-free life. As mentioned before, this is so not the case. You have to make a conscious decision live by conviction and remind yourself daily of why you're doing what you're doing. 
8. Being a SAHM means putting your needs last. Yes, you should take time for yourself, blah blah blah, but this is not really possible for me. I would honestly rather accept that while my children are at home and small, I need to come to terms with the fact that the world doesn't revolve around me and my happiness. Some days I will be dirty, tired, under stimulated and lonely. But this is not about me - this is about giving everything of myself to raising kids that are confident, secure, morally grounded and most of all - loved. What greater way to deal with the selfishness in my heart?

Being a SAHM is challenging, but the greatest privilege and sadly a rare opportunity for a mother in today's world. If you are a working mom reading this - you are a hero in my eyes! Your kids will be OK and no matter how they are raised, you will be the best version of a mom they know. All kids need is love and security. Don't entertain guilt - embrace the time you DO have with your kids. 

So if you're in a place where you have to make a choice whether or not to work, here are some things to consider and questions I asked myself:
(Again, I have to stress, that the following is NOT aimed at moms who have no choice but to work)

• What is your capacity? Are you sure that you will cope with the demands of a job, a spouse/partner, kids and a home? Something that really challenged me was someone asking me what kind of mom would I be if I came home late and stressed all the time? If you can say you will cope, then great. Be honest with yourself - we tend to think we're invincible, but we're really not. Everyone has a limit. 
• Consider that life has seasons. Maybe taking a year off would be an option for you while you settle into the role of motherhood? 
• Consider chatting to your employer about a half-day option. It may not be possible, but there is no harm in asking. Maybe you could even work a day or two from home?
• Work out what you will be saving by staying at home. We did the maths, and me working was not that profitable for us after subtracting the cost of a nanny/creche, petrol etc. Did I really want to lose my mind over such a small amount? Is it worth the stress?
• Remember that kids don't actually care about stuff, they want to be loved more than anything else. (Kids will learn to care about stuff as much as you do by your example) Keeping up with the Jones' is a trap that can cause great discontentment. Make the decision based on conviction, not on what people will think. Sometimes certain decisions take great sacrifice.
• What can you do from home? Being a SAHM doesn't mean there is no way for you to contribute or have something to stimulate you. I have always been entrepreneurial and I do believe I will at some point start up a business from home again. I can bake, do freelance graphic design, blog, edit etc. There are many different career opportunities that can be done from home. Maybe the space and freedom of being at home will bring out creativity and ideas in you that you didn't think was possible!

If you do decide that being a SAHM is not for you - it's ok! Everyone is different and you don't need to feel guilty. Like I've reiterated several times, all kids really need is love and security. 
What a great responsibility but privilege motherhood is!