I’m writing this to hopefully bring light to a topic that is in a lot of ways, still very much taboo. As someone who has been through this, I want to speak out and possibly help some ladies to verbalize their pain and maybe even find some closure and healing. I am sharing this from my perspective as a Christian and my faith in God.

I was 9 weeks pregnant when we very excitedly went to our first scan, only to find out there was no heartbeat. I chose to miscarry naturally and so I did one week later at home. It was very painful, traumatic and heartbreaking but I can honestly say that it has been an experience that has grown me up, put empathy in my heart and made me so grateful for life and the privilege of being a mother.

So to my fellow ladies who know the pain of losing a baby:

1. You are allowed to be heartbroken. Whether you believe this or not, the “fetus” growing inside you was in fact a human being that was miraculously placed there by God and from the moment conception took place, there was a soul created that has meaning and purpose. Even if the days numbered are short. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that this life doesn’t have as much meaning as any other. It is normal to grieve the loss of this little person.
2. Allow yourself to mourn. Emotions come in waves. The first few weeks were hard for me, but there was somehow a grace that carried me through. It truly only began to hit me 2 months later, and I’m sure that I will still have my moments. The point is, IT IS OK to have days/weeks where it knocks you all over again. Get those emotions out, otherwise you are in danger of becoming bitter.
3. Mourn in your own way. If this means doing nothing, then that is also ok but for me this meant having a small get together with close friends to in a way dedicate the child to God and to say this life meant something. I also made a memory box with the scans I had and other special reminders. Lastly, I had a photo taken that we will put up in our house and will be a reminder and to say that this child was a part of our family even if it was for such a short while. Plant a tree, do a mosiac, do whatever you want to. This was your child and no one should tell you how to mourn the loss. Even give the baby a name if, this was your child and you are allowed to grieve however you need to.
4. People will disappoint you - forgive them anyway. This must be one of the hardest ones for me. People forget about what you're going through, they say insensitive things and ask questions that are unhelpful but for your own sake, choose to forgive before it's even happened. The reality is that if someone hasn’t been through it, they don’t know what to say and their attempt at trying to comfort will probably be flawed. In the end, there is nothing anyone can say that will truly comfort you anyway. For those of you are Christ followers - I have found that reading the word of God is the only thing that has comforted me and given me hope. Meditate on scriptures daily and fill your mind with truth. Emotions are not a good compass in a storm.
5. You will feel angry, jealous, sad, hopeless and a lot of other emotions. Seeing other people pregnant will make you angry and jealous, this is normal. You will be overcome with grief watching a movie where someone had a baby, this is normal. You will burst into tears and random times, this is also normal. Once again I'd like to say that you need to get these emotions out. Also, understand that your friends may not always understand these emotions and you may get hurt and hurt others in the process. Try to have grace for others and yourself.
6. There is hope. Your hope is not in that you will fall pregnant again or even that life will be easy but there is a hope far greater. Don’t give up. As hard as it is to pick yourself up, you have no choice but to believe there is hope otherwise you will suffocate with grief. Here are a few scriptures that I meditate on:

• ​Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
• Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
• 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.​

Y​ou have an important story to share. I’m sharing a bit of my story, but you a story to share. I don’t know what the statistics are but I’m pretty sure that you know a ton of women who have had a miscarriage. Don’t give up because there are women who desperately need people to reach out and walk this difficult road with them. I am so grateful to the wonderful ladies who stood by me through this and were able to encourage, advise and support me through this. Bring freedom to a world who have no hope and who are carrying such pain and don’t know what to do with it.

And to the rest of you/everyone:

“It's probably for the best because something must have been wrong with the baby”, “You’re still young and beautiful, you’ll still have children”, and “at least you were only 8 weeks along” are just some of the well-meaning but insensitive and unhelpful statements women have to endure.
Ultimately, there is not really anything anyone can say to truly comfort BUT there are a few ways to work on your tact to not make it harder

1. Just be there, you don’t have to say anything. You may feel the need to say something encouraging or helpful but sometimes all we need is a hug and someone to ask us if we’re ok. The other way to help is to ask how you can help practically, for e.g. cooking a meal. We need to talk about it, otherwise we might just go crazy with grief. Bottom line: If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything - just give a hug. Major side note: "Let me know what I can do for you" is not a very helpful statement. Rather ask "what night can I bring you a meal" or "what day can I come clean your house" instead of giving open-ended offers. Most people won't just call and say, "remember that time you said you'd like to help..well..." Be specific and practical in your help. I will write more about this topic in the future!
2. Don’t forget about us. This might be the most important one. On the tragedy scale, miscarriage might be at the bottom of the list to you but to an expectant mother who has lost her child, this is absolutely tragic and heartbreaking and can take very long to get over. Please don’t forget that we are still battling with this daily. Remember that as the months go by, our hearts ache for the pregnancy we would have enjoyed and our due date is now just a painful reminder of what is lost. Ask how we are every now and then, and remind us that even though you don’t know what to say, you care about us and remember.
3. With all due respect, mind your own business. This is a general request to everyone in all situations. Asking about someone's family planning can be a very innocent question, but can cause someone a lot of heartache. I also fall into the trap of curiosity sometimes and ask people personal questions that in reality, have nothing to do with me. You don’t who has just lost a baby, who has spent years trying to fall pregnant or has to deal with the heartbreaking fact that they can’t have children. If it comes up in conversation, then go for it, but as far as possible, please don’t let your curiosity kill the tact. (I know right, I just though of that!)
4. Don’t give us a mourning timeline. Please don’t limit how long we’re allowed to be sad. Everyone mourns differently and it is unhelpful when people put pressure on someone who is grieving. Yes, there is a point where the sadness and depression is unhealthy, but it is not up to you to decide when enough is enough. Give us the time and space to get through it at our own pace.
5. When we do fall pregnant again... DO NOT make comments like “don’t lift such heavy things, or it could happen again” or “aren’t you scared you’ll lose the baby” etc. To be honest, I am shocked that people even do this! It is hard enough as it is to not be fearful of this happening again so please, just encourage and support and keep your worries to yourself.

I feel like there is so much more to say but this is it for now! Please feel free to comment and share your story.

So you're pregnant for the first time, congratulations! It will be the most special time of your life! Pinterest is a great tool to gather information, but can often be pretty irrelevant for South Africans.
I'm a planner by nature and I love working off lists and knowing in advance what I need to do. This is obviously a list drawn up based on my experience, but your hospital, medical aid and circumstances will affect how this all works out for you.
Here is a list I wish I had to work from:
(Bare in mind that I was pregnant 2016/2017 so prices would have increased since then)

First trimester (0-13 weeks):
​

• Start drinking folic acid (Clicks brand is really cheap and great)
• ​Find a OB/GYN and the hospital you would like to give birth at
• If you’re on medical aid, you’ll have to find out what the plan covers and also how much you will have to pay in to the doctor for the delivery.
• Hear from your medical aid what your benefits are and what is covered

​Costs:

• Gynae appointments (we only had a hospital plan, so we had to pay cash for each appointment, approx. R1000). You're gynae will probably want to see you every 4 weeks, but you can ask to push it to 6 weeks if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy.
• Blood tests - I took a blood test to confirm pregnancy which cost about R150 (Side note: if you peed on the stick and it said you're pregnant, you're pregnant. Wait a bit longer till you can see the gynae if you'd like to save costs)
• Your gynae will also recommend going for Down syndrome tests at the end of the first trimester. I'm not sure what this costs as we decided to not do the test.

Second trimester (14-26 weeks):

• Start drinking prenatal vitamins with Omega (Preg-Omega is the most popular, about R280 per month)
• Let your employer know you are expecting and start researching UIF and maternity leave
• Decide if you want a midwife/doula assisted birth or if you’re going to stick with your gynae. You’ll want to start seeing the midwife for appointments. You will probably have to pay in depending on what your medical aid covers.
• More tests: I did so many blood and urine tests that I can't even remember all of them, but here some that I had to go for: bladder infection, blood test to see if I had immunity to the Rubella virus, blood test to see what myself and Justin's blood types were because of the Rh factor* and probably a few more. (cost can be anywhere between R150-R600 per test depending on what it's for)

*Here is an article describing what this is all about: https://www.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/The-Rh-Factor-How-It-Can-Affect-Your-Pregnancy
​
Freebies:

• If you're with Discovery, you will be able to get a gift box with a whole lot of cool goodies from Babies R Us. Give them a call and they will send you an email with a letter that you can take with to collect your box. I received a taglet blanket, a baby book and a lot of samples.
• Dischem gives away a baby bag with a few samples to their members too. You have to spend R600 (more or less) at any store and go for a health check-up at their clinic before you can receive your bag.

Those are the only ones I know of, please leave a comment if you know if any other great freebies!

Third trimester (27-40 weeks):

UIF:
I decided to go through an agency to save myself the headache, and it was so worth it! I emailed all the documents and never had to set foot in any building to sort out admin. I used following company: http://www.mothersjoy.co.za/
It should cost you no more than R1000 in total. You can only apply for UIF with an agency from approx 4 weeks before your due date. They will however only be able to send the documents through to the department once the baby is born and they have received a birth certificate. Don't worry though, the agency will guide you through the process.
FYI: You have to have a own bank account in your own name for UIF to pay out.
I have no idea how claim from UIF directly? Anyone have a clue? Please comment!

Booking your hospital bed:
At 26 weeks pregnant, you are now at viability which means that if baby is born, chances are he/she will survive. Yay!
You will have to pay an admin fee to book your bed of about R500 - this fee could include a free 4D scan, registration with the Department of Home Affairs and baby’s first immunization. You may also get a free baby bag with goodies (but don’t count on getting that before you leave the hospital)
You will need your medical aid card and the ID's of mother and father to book your bed. Make sure you give yourself enough time at the hospital because you will be filling in A LOT of paperwork.

Getting pre-authorization from Medical Aid:
As soon as you’ve booked your bed, you will receive a document from the hospital and your gynae with the practice numbers, ICD 10 code, procedure code etc. You can then phone your medical aid and give them all these details and receive authorization from your medical aid. You should also ask them to send you the documents to register your new baby as soon as he or she is born.
Some medical aids require you to inform them of your pregnancy by 12 weeks, so I would suggest giving them a call at 12 weeks as well. (I’m on Discovery and I phoned them for the first time at 27 weeks, and it wasn’t a problem)

PRO TIP: I kept every single document, including our ID's in a file which I kept with me all the times. I'm SO happy I did this because when I was admitted to hospital suddenly, I was able to give my husband the file with everything in it so he could sort out the admin with ease.

Pediatrician:
There should be a pediatrician present at the birth, so make sure you get a pediatrician that is covered by your medical aid if you don't want to pay extra.

After baby is born:

• ​UIF - send through your baby's birth certificate to the agency
• Paediatrician - they will want to see the baby before you go home or a week later, at 6 weeks and then at 6 months. Our pediatrician cost R850 per consultation. (First consultation is usually more expensive)
• Register baby on your medical aid within the first few days. You will send through a form and the birth certificate.

TIP: Download the "Scanner App" on your phone so you can easily sort out your admin and email it directly from your phone.

So that's about all I could think of! If you're a mommy who has been through this and can add anything, please feel free to comment!











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This it all started with a kiss.
Just kidding, we all know how babies are made.

It actually all started 2 years ago when my husband and I had "the chat" about being ready to go off contraception and see what happens. Much to our surprise, we were pregnant 2 months later! I was 9 weeks pregnant when we found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating and I miscarried naturally 1 week later. Then 4 months after that we were pregnant again. My pregnancy was quite easy up till 30 weeks, when I started feeling pretty uncomfortable and "over it". At 33 weeks pregnant I was admitted to hospital with preeclampsia and Eli was delivered via emergency c-section the following day. He spent 41 days in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and came home a few days before his expected due date. He is now 8 months old and is a healthy, friendly, busy boy and an absolute joy to us!
Those are just the highlights for now, I will share my stories in detail soon enough.

1. It's never anything like the fantasy. I used to fantasize about being pregnant, giving birth, being a mother but literally nothing has gone according to plan for us. Try not to have major expectations because life is messy and well, sometimes just plain sucks. BUT, if you can embrace the hardship you could come out the other having learnt some valuable stuff!
2. No one can claim perfection here. No one in this world can claim to be the perfect parent, as much as they might want to. I always used to look at these so-called perfect moms who seem to have everything together and wished I were more like them. Turns out, they are just "winging it" too. You have been chosen you to be this child's mother, so you are the perfect person to raise your baby. Trust your instincts. Billions of people have had kids and survived to tell the tale, so just do what you think it best.
3. You still have a choice. Justin and I really don't always get this right, but we decided that we wouldn't decide beforehand what we can and cannot do because of the baby. We would do our best to do life with Eli and if it really wasn't working, we'd humbly accept our new life. Well, every baby is different, but we've been able to go to restaurants at night, go out to friends, had noisy people in our house at night and we've even gone to a rooftop student party with a baby in tow. I do believe you can choose how much parenthood restricts you. However, my next point:
4. It is going to be different. Some things will change and your life will have to be different. (#adultingisrealhard) You can fight it, be miserable and feel sorry for yourself, or you can embrace the change and the maturity it will grow in you. Our modern western world tells us that life is meant to make us happy, but this is impossible and makes you feel like something is wrong with your life. Happiness is a product of a mature response and acceptance of the reality of life.
5. Guard your heart and mind. Just have a look at Pinterest and you will see why this is necessary. Article 1: "Why co-sleeping is the best thing for your baby". Article 2: "Co-sleeping is the worst thing you can do for your baby". Which one is it? You could find dozens of examples of completely contradictory information available to us. I am the biggest culprit when it comes to googling EVERYTHING, but it often leaves me feeling even more confused than when I started. Being informed is good, but take everything with a pinch of salt and choose the advice you take wisely. Somehow our generation survived being raised before the existence of Google.
6. Lastly, be real and open. My biggest frustration is sometimes that everyone seems to go through the same struggles, especially when it comes to marriage and parenthood, but no one seems to want to talk openly about it. What if we could empower each other by sharing our stories? Maybe if we spoke more openly, we could get through the challenges of marriage and parenthood in one piece?

Well, I will make it my mission then to be as honest as possible.

Charlene x

Maybe it's the narcissist in me, a crazy two years that has given me A LOT to write about or maybe the boredom of being a stay-at-home mom.
Whatever it may be, I will attempt to venture into the world of blogging.

Not that I have anything majorly special to say, but I do feel like we live in a bizarre world where everyone battles the same giants but somehow no one seems to want to talk honestly about it. So my hope is that some honesty from my side, would open up some dialogue for women, moms, parents and actually anyone who would consider themselves a person.

I also hope to share some practical ideas, recipes, thoughts from more experienced people, and maybe even special guest appearances!

So here are some facts about Charlene. (I am Charlene)

I am married to Justin since April 2012 and we live in Pretoria, South Africa. (Remind me to tell you you the crazy story of how we met one day!)
We have a son named Eli, who was born on 4 May 2017 (#starwarsbaby #maythefourth) with whom we are slightly obsessed.
I used to work as an administrator at a preschool but decided after Eli was born, to become a full-time mom.
I had a small home business called Miss Ruby's bakery that has been on the back burner for some time, but the entrepreneur in me will find some new business venture I'm sure. (Homemade baby food coming soon!)
I am passionate about homemaking, people, writing, and children.
Wow, this is really sounding like a resumé. Almost done.
On a deeper note, I am a Christ-follower (meaning I believe in Jesus and do my best to follow the teachings of the Bible in the least weird way possible), I've known the heartache of miscarriage and the challenge of a premature baby and the NICU.

I really hope that I could encourage anyone reading this. Please feel free to ignore my words if you do not agree, I am only sharing my perspective. Also feel free to comment if you'd like to chat or ask anything. (I have all the time in world, I'm just a mom) #kidding

So here goes!