What 6 years of marriage has taught me...

​6 years ago I was an idealistic 22 year old, who thought marriage would be the greatest never-ending sleepover in the world. I thought I would be a great wife and that my husband and I would sail off blissfully into our very successful future as husband and wife. 

It has been the greatest adventure, greatest challenge, greatest growth and greatest giant piece of humble-pie. In addition to the challenge of marriage, life has gotten really hard at times and this has put even more pressure on our marriage. 

We have so far to go and by no means feel like we've "figured it out", but there are some principles and ways of doing things that have proven to be helpful to us. I have to remind myself of these truths daily, as we live in a world where good marriages are hard to find and the track record isn't very reassuring. As we all know, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. Somehow we need to change our thinking, ways of doing things and the examples we follow if we are going to have marriages that not only work, but thrive. 

Here are some things marriage has taught me... 

• It has taught me that I'm very selfish. My default nature is to put myself first, to defend myself, to think my feelings are more important and to think my perspective is truth. Selfishness, I believe, is the root of most conflict in marriage. This is the hardest thing to do, but we need to serve the other person and put down our idea of right. If both parties do this, I think you could have a pretty awesome marriage. 
• It has taught me that there are waves and seasons of good times and hard times. I find it very sad that couples are getting divorced at the first sign of hardship thinking that this is not what they signed up for. Um, this is EXACTLY what you signed up for - a long-term relationship that requires growth, vulnerability, depth and some hard work. Deep relationships take hard work and sticking it out through challenges. You can't go into marriage thinking it's going to be smooth-sailing, and when it gets hard that something is wrong. You have to prepare yourself for life to be challenging and uncomfortable at times. Also, throw kids into the mix and you have yourself a whole new set of challenges. 
• Compatibility is not that important. Trust me, no matter how compatible you think you are on paper, you are two humans who have different upbringings, perspectives and temperaments and you WILL disagree at some point, if not VERY OFTEN. You will still ​mature a lot and the longer you are together, the better you will understand and respect each other. It just takes patience. 

These are the 3 things I think matter when choosing a spouse: 1. Do you agree on all major issues (e.g. religious, do you want children, finances) 2. Is this person your best friend? Can you enjoy each others company? 3. Are you attracted to each other? 

• It has taught me that the 100/100 principle. In a perfect world, both parties serve the other wholeheartedly and expect nothing in return. It's not a partnership where you give as much as the other is willing to give. This kind of thinking is doomed to fail. This principle actually goes for all relationships.  Unfortunately, this is very hard and like I previously mentioned - we are selfish by nature, but we can at least strive towards this. 
• It's not about your happiness. As a Christ-follower, the quote by Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for holiness, not happiness" really has carried me through when things have been tough. Whether or not you believe in God, this principle still remains true - marriage is not there for our immediate happiness, it is there to grow you into a less selfish, mature adult. Yes, marriage fulfills the need for friendship, companionship and sex, but if you put all your hope into your marriage making you happy, you will be quickly disappointed. You are married to a flawed human, and they WILL disappoint you, hurt you and you will sometimes still feel very lonely. As you grow together, these occurrences should be less. This is long-term happiness 
• Don't spend a lot of time apart. I know this is not possible for everyone, as some husbands have no choice but to work far. It can be a dangerous space to be in if you are living separate lives with seperate friendships and don't really need each other. Justin and I have not spent a night apart in 6 years and brush our teeth and go to bed together 95% of the time. Don't create a world where your spouse is easily replaceable. 
• Deal with it. My husband is much better at this than I am. I HATE conflict, but this is so important. Don't go to bed angry and make sure you deal with the issue and not just give your spouse silent treatment for days. Shout, scream, forgive and move on. 
• Sometimes you are just hangry. Yes, sometimes you just need sleep and food. This is not a good time to pick a fight. Justin and I both get super emotional  and irritable when we're tired and hungry. Recognize that you are just being over-sensitive and discuss any issues when you're in a better head space. This is especially true when you're new parents and sleep is rare. 
• Share everything. We have always shared a bank account and a budget (this is especially helpful now that I'm not working - else I'd be screwed :)) I believe that getting married means making a covenant with another person and that means sharing ALL of your lives. You want to make sure you do not leave room for secrets and dishonesty.
• Put boundaries in place. This reminds me of that movie "He's just not that into you", where Bradley Cooper can't "help himself" and has an affair with Scarlet Johansson. I could think of 20 things he could have done to stop himself from going down that road. We believe we are so strong, we can resist any urge. YOU ARE HUMAN, and if put in certain situations, chances are you will do something you regret. Don't be alone or pursue a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and if you can't tell your spouse about it, something is wrong. Put boundaries in place if you are serious about protecting your marriage. Why take the risk? 
• You're a team - however that looks. Every marriage looks different, because every person has different strengths. Don't just assume that the man will handle the finances - maybe the wife is better at not overspending? Don't assume what the roles will be, actually discuss it and find a groove that works for both of you. In our marriage, Justin handles the finances and I help by tracking day-to-day spending. I handle the home, cooking and looking after Eli. This works for us. A lot of conflict can be avoided if there aren't missed expectations. 
• Your marriage struggles are not that unique. The problem is that people don't talk openly about the struggles of marriage, when in actual fact, everyone is dealing with more or less the same issues. This is reassuring to know, because you are NOT crazy and you will get through it and you can also draw from other couple's experiences and wisdom. Ask questions and be open with at least one other couple you trust. Sometimes an outside perspective can do wonders for an unresolved issue.
• Your marriage is not just about you. Justin and I feel a weight on our marriage and the decisions we make, knowing that there are younger people watching us, desperate to see an example of marriage and life that works. Having Eli is also one of the biggest motivations to fight for our marriage. I want him to grow up with the security of two parents who love each other. We don't just represent ourselves, we represent marriage as a whole and I feel it's our responsibility to make it work and make it beautiful. 

I may have painted marriage as only a lot of hard work, but I believe it comes down to perspective. Whatever you approach negatively, will be significantly harder for you.
A growth mindset means approaching everything in life as an opportunity to grow and learn. There is no failure with a growth mindset. 
Tackle the challenge of marriage with this in mind, and you will be a much better spouse and your marriage will grow and become sweeter over time. 

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