The NICU: How to survive it and how to be a support

September was NICU awareness month, and I had a brilliant article all typed out and ready and somehow in the process of trying to upload it, it lost it. It has taken me a month to stop moping and attempt to write this again. So here goes!

The overpowering smell of disinfectant, the sound of beeping machines, the sound of shuffling feet of busy nurses and the cries of tiny humans - over our 41 day stay, we got to know the NICU of Femina Hospital VERY WELL. 


​We ended up in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) as Eli had to be delivered via emergency c-section at 33 weeks` (7 weeks early). I have previously written about my birth experience if you want to have a read.
It was honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to endure and I would hate to ever go back, but I learnt a lot and hopefully my experience be of encouragement to someone else. 

Disclaimer: I know so many families who have had far more traumatic birth and NICU experiences, and I know I could never truly relate, but hopefully something here could be helpful. 

For those who haven't experienced the NICU, please let me paint a picture: 

You've just given birth to your baby, most likely unplanned with little to no warning. You aren't even sure if your baby is going to be okay and you have to endure the couple of minutes (feels like hours) before your baby starts to cry or shows some sign of life. You then get a 5 second family picture before your baby is wrapped up, put in an incubator and whisked away to a place called the NICU (which you never even considered, because all first babies come after 40 weeks right??)
Your partner then stays with the baby and you get sent to recovery (in my case I was sent to high care for 24 hours). Only once you're strong enough to stand up without collapsing from the stab wound in your gut, you can go meet your baby properly. 
Once you get there, your heart explodes and breaks from seeing this person who was in your tummy, now attached to what seems like a million wires and machines. You are given the run down about how fragile your baby is, and how holding them too much wears them down. You have never seen something this tiny. 
You go home after 3-4 days in hospital and that drive home without your baby feels empty and heartbreaking. The next few weeks, depending on how long you stay, will be  emotionally and physically draining, driving back and forth from the hospital (our hosptial was a 30-40 minute drive away!). 
The nurses or pediatrician won't give you any indication of how it's going or when you can go home. You just have to go to the hospital every day and pray the previous night was good and that there was progress. One day you will get there and they increased feeds since you left and it's going great, the next day you will get there and they picked up an infection and stopped feeds altogether, meaning you have to start over. 
You sit on an uncomfortable stool for hours a day, while going to express breastmilk every 3 hours. This is the most unnatural, mechanical process when all you want to do is breastfeed your baby like you always dreamed you would. 
Every tiny bit of progress feels like the hugest victories - every time a new wire comes off, when they increase a feed, when your child picks a bit of weight, the first time they are allowed to wear clothes and the glorious moment they allow you to breastfeed for the first time (for me it was when Eli was 5 weeks old). Eventually you are told things are going well and your baby should be going home soon, which gave us 2 days to prepare. 
You are completely overwhelmed with excitment and fear as you finally take this little person home who looks way too small to even be out your tummy, let alone be exposed to the germs and the new inexperienced parents who has to try keep him alive without machines. 
Through it all you have grown a new appreciation for other moms who sat for hours expressing milk with you, nurses who were essentially your baby's first moms and for this little fighter who against all odds, learnt how to do things way earlier than he was meant to. (Sorry, that was a bit long-winded!)



Here are some tips I found helpful and lessons I learnt: 

• Accept your new story. I handed my natural "birth plan" to my gynae 10 minutes before she told me I had preeclampsia and I would be giving birth ASAP via c-section. I can only chuckle now, but it is deeply disappointing for things to not go how you dreamed it would. Instead of allowing it to depress you, accept your new story. This is your new birth plan and your story. Embrace it and own it. 
• Don't compare. Gosh, I made myself go crazy by Googling how long 33-weekers normally stay in the NICU. All I wanted to know was when my baby was coming home. Understand that anything earlier than their due date is a bonus as they aren't meant to be outside your tummy yet. Don't compare, allow your baby to develop at their own pace. 
• Try to see the positive sides. Listen, I know there are very few advantages but I was pretty grateful that I was able to recover without the stress of learning how to breastfeed and getting up for a baby with above-mentioned stab wound. By the time Eli came home I was physically strong. The NICU also teaches you a lot about caring for your baby. Try to make the most of this time by seeing the positive sides. 
• Pace yourself. Don't feel the pressure to be at the hospital at all times, take the time you need to rest. Towards the end, they may ask you to be there for 12 hours a day to breastfeed, so recover now before things get a whole lot crazier for you. Your mental and physical health is more important right now. 
• Accept help. This was a very humbling experience for me, and I had to allow people to do things for me. Allow people to cook, clean and help if they ask. 
• Be involved. The nurses often are stuck in their routines and won't offer for you to assist with the care of your baby unless you ask. Ask to do skin-to-skin Kangaroo Care (amazing benefits - Google it!), change nappies etc. Ask questions, make sure you know what's going on - you are still the parent! 
• Bonding will happen. I was worried that not having the movie bonding moment after birth as well as Eli having to lie in a hospital for weeks would cause abandonment issues for Eli. I don't believe this to be true now. Relationships are built over time and you will still have a lifetime of opportunities to bond and enjoy time together! 
• Talk and seek help. Even writing this now feels very therapeutic. Being the NICU is a very traumatic experience, so make sure you deal with it - write, journal, talk to friends, go see a professional. It's important to work through the emotions. 

Here are some ways you can support family or friends: 

• Celebrate with us. It's bad enough that things haven't gone as planned, and in my case, Eli was born 2 days before my baby shower! Celebrate this new life and make the parents feel special despite the difficult circumstances. Go visit them in hospital - there won't be a baby to cuddle with, but just go be a friend. 
• Go visit. To elaborate on the previous point, please come visit. Have coffee with your friend at the hospital - remember that we've probably been there for weeks, so even do it weekly if possible. Take a gift - snacks, magazines etc. Remember that the husband is likely back at work after a week, which means that the mom is probably very lonely at the hosptial.
• Don't forget. People tend to be super caring in the first week, and then when they ask 2-3 weeks later how it's going, they're surprised that you're still in the NICU. I'm not saying you should message or visit every day, but if it's a close friend, be consistent and message often. 
• Stop asking when baby is coming home. That's a freaking good question! If I knew, I'd tell you! This just reminds us of the fact that we're waiting. Rather ask how it's going today with baby and how the person is feeling. 
• Offer practical help. PLEASE don't say "let me know if I can do anything." This is meant well, but honestly means very little. (I've spoken about this before) Ask what day you can take a meal. Ask what day suits them to clean their house. If they have older kids, offer to babysit. Offer specific help.
• Please don't be offended ​when you come to visit and you're asked to wash your hands or disinfect. Better yet, do it yourself. We were lectured for weeks about how we need to disinfect and keep germs away from baby, so forgive us for being a little paranoid. If you or your kids are sick - stay away!! And PLEASE don't tell germs are good to build an immune system. I will punch you in the face. (In my head at least) 

That's it for now! Please share your story or even suggestions. I'd love to hear!
C x 

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